Man(1): and none of other than Mr. Tom Landis Esquire

Man(1): is going to coordinate a call with the man himself

SPEAKER_03: yes

SPEAKER_02: round of a while, you can't do it as well

Tom: hello, how are you?

SPEAKER_02: Good, how are you?

Tom: Oh, just marvelous.

LPC: Okay, okay, excellent, excellent, ex, ex, ex, ex, ex, ex, ex, ex, ex, ex, ex, ex, ex,

LPC: X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X.

LPC: So, uh, let's have a little fun this evening.

LPC: [laughs] I hope you can hear me okay!—

Tom: Can you hear him okay?

None: Yeah.

Tom: Okay.

Tom: Yes, coming through, good.

LPC: One hell of a deal.

LPC: Yeah, good deal.

LPC: Chattanooga, you've got yourself one hell of a deal.

Tom: So tell me, how much do you plan out or improvise?

LPC: Uh… mostly improvise, very little planned out. Yeah!—

Tom: yeah sweet

LPC: is there maybe the occasional bullet point

LPC: or text message to myself

LPC: but mostly

TTS: your call has been forwarded to an automated voice

TTS: messaging system

LPC: Yes, indeedy!

LPC: it just occurred

LPC: that's yeah just occurred

LPC: pretty much yeah well

LPC: yes

Tom: have you engaged in any other forms

Tom: of pranks. Yes,

LPC: uh, you know,

LPC: no. No, I'm going to just

LPC: do a wady on that. I just stick to the phone.

LPC: I have some

LPC: fun with some different things, you know, here and there,

LPC: but...

LPC: It's just here and there and everything,

LPC: everything, everything, everything, everything.

LPC: Mostly the phone. I'm a phone type of guy.

LPC: Sometimes I go to a pay phone and

LPC: just prank myself

LPC: by not knowing what I'm doing there, but

LPC: uh, no, that's just, uh,

LPC: The exception, not the rule.

LPC: Not the rule at all.

Tom: Well, let's take some questions, folks.

Tom: What's up?

LPC: Absolutely.

Tom: Do you have a day job?

LPC: I do.

LPC: I drive.

LPC: I drive and I deliver

LPC: and I shop for people.

LPC: And occasionally I record bands.

LPC: That's pretty much my two things that I do.

LPC: Yes.

LPC: I'm happy to talk, answer any questions.

LPC: you might have, call any numbers you might have.

LPC: Anything of that nature.

SPEAKER_02: Oh, baseball my store.com.

Boy: Hello?

LPC: Hey, can I talk to Emilio real quick, please?

Boy: Are you the asshole?

LPC: No. No. No. No. No. I swear it.

LPC: I just need to talk to him real quick.

LPC: Sound good, or?

Boy: Are you sure about that?

LPC: Yes.

LPC: Seriously, is Amelia Senior there, please?

LPC: Peter.

Boy: Can I have your phone number?

LPC: No, I'm just going to need to talk to him, okay?

LPC: I don't really have a lot of time or else I'd love to play with you, so.

Boy: For what?

LPC: Can you put 'im on or not?

Boy: He’s at work right now.

LPC: N— I don’t believe that, so…

Boy: Well, he is.

LPC: I don’t believe you! Whadda you think of that?

Boy: Mm, well I don’t really care about your opinion, 'cause he’s not here.

LPC: Oh, is that a matter of fact? Well…

LPC: Well, one day by myself.

LPC: I sat down in my chair, just relaxing, and then God said to me.

LPC: You are Messiah.

Boy: Yeah, you’re one stupid mother f-er.

LPC: You want to go out and go dancing, get some nachos?

LPC: What do you think?

SPEAKER_05: And having sex was, and having sex was God's God's instructions.

Boy: Do what God tells you.

Boy: Okay.

Boy: I'm going to approach you to the police.

LPC: Me?

LPC: Don't do that.

Boy: Yeah, you pedophile?

LPC: Don’t do that.

SPEAKER_01: No, I'm doing it.

LPC: Don’t do that!

SPEAKER_01: An MD is far...

LPC: No.

Boy: An MD is far more...

Boy: No, don't give a damn.

Boy: Don't give a damn.

Boy: An MD is far more likely to think of sex than I am.

Boy: Alright, you pedophile.

Boy: MDs, even...

Boy: Even put their fingers in women's private parts.

Boy: They're whatever else they do.

Boy: MDs are with naked people.

LPC: Well, well, um...

LPC: Just put 'im on the phone and quit lollygaggin'.—

Boy: Alright, bye. I’m repo—reporting you to the police.

LPC: Put him on the phone.

LPC: Quit lollygagging.

LPC: Chattanooga.

LPC: How are you tonight?

LPC: We are back on course here, and we are moving along.

LPC: Moving along real well here tonight.

LPC: Yes.

LPC: No.

LPC: Yes.

LPC: No.

LPC: Well, no.

LPC: Yes.

SPEAKER_02: Biggie.

LPC: Hey, how are you doin’?

SPEAKER_02: Doing all right.

LPC: I got a flexible straw, like a big long one, like 22 inches.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: And I'm going to bring it in.

LPC: They're just dipping in some different bottles, take some taste, some different things.

LPC: Kind of figure out.

LPC: which direction I want to go tonight, all right?

Woman (1): Oh, uh… I’m not really sure what you’re talkin’ about, there. [laughs]

LPC: Oh, I'm just going to bring my straw up there and just dip it in some different bottles,

LPC: different cans, different glasses, to see what you got on top.

SPEAKER_02: Who is this?

LPC: Oh, uh… this is, uh… Golbriath.

Woman (1): Brian.

LPC: Yes, yes.

Woman (1): All right, Brian, I want to be looking out for you in your big-ass straw, and if you bring it in here,

SPEAKER_02: I'm going to steal it from you.

SPEAKER_02: Just be worried.

LPC: Don't do that.

LPC: Don't do that at all.

LPC: Alright, take care o’ yourself.

LPC: Well, thank you.

LPC: If you've got a number, please feel free to share it.

LPC: I'll get up there and get involved with you.

LPC: Mix things up a bit here and a bit there.

Tom: I sent you that one earlier.

LPC: Yeah, I'm going through them.

LPC: I'm going through them.

LPC: Yeah.

LPC: So we have some more Chattanooga and fun lined up.

LPC: Another one, it is ringing.

LPC: Hello, Barry.

LPC: Hey, Barry.

Barry: Hello.

Barry: Yeah.

LPC: Hey.

LPC: Yeah, this is Duncan.

LPC: How are you doing?

Barry: I'm doing fun.

Barry: How are you doing, Duncan?

LPC: Pretty decent.

LPC: I just moved into the neighborhood here, and I have been trying to reach you all week, really, but I couldn't get through.

LPC: Hey, I got to go back out of town for about two weeks, and I just went ahead and forwarded my mail to your address,

LPC: just for two.

LPC: weeks. I tried to get a hold of you beforehand, but I couldn't get through, doggone it.

LPC: So just a heads up there, Barry, okay?

LPC: What? Yeah. Just my mail, just so you can...

Barry: Your mail?

LPC: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Not a big deal. Just for about two, two, three weeks. Okay?

Barry: No, you can’t do that, man!

LPC: Well, I've already done it, so I didn't know who was to... Well, I mean, why were you doing that?

LPC: I'm new to the area, you know, like I say. It's just for three weeks. If you could go

LPC: ahead and just keep everything alphabetized, that kind of stuff. When I come back, that'd be

LPC: really handy for me, you know?

LPC: Yeah. I appreciate you. No.

LPC: I appreciate you. What do you mean, no?

SPEAKER_02: No. No. No. No.

LPC: Listen, Barry, I got your number from, uh… from Old Ironsides up at the fillin’ station up 'ere.

SPEAKER_02: Who? Who in the hell are you talking about? Old Iron Sides gave him your number guy. He works

SPEAKER_02: to Reuters. The guy knows everybody. And listen, I don't, I don't know. I don't know who you are.

LPC: Well, um, you know, if you see anything real urgent, Barry, anything real urgent, Barry, anything real.

LPC: important, real pressing. Just go ahead and, um, okay, goodbye, Barry. Thank you anyway.

LPC: Yes, yes.

LPC: Chat on, you go.

SPEAKER_02: Woo!

LPC: So, not the kind of thing to spring on somebody is what I'm hearing. So, not the kind of thing to spring on somebody is what I'm hearing.

Man(5): Hey, there. Can I request, a… a number? Can I put a number in? I got one.—

LPC: Yeah, yeah. What do you got?

Man(5): I got it. It's Stephen. The phone number is 712-6-6-7-6-1.

Steven: Okay. Hello?

LPC: Hey, Steven. What’s goin’ on?

LPC: Hey, who is this?

LPC: Uh, this is Kip.

LPC: Kip? Yeah, Kip. Kippie.

LPC: It's moved in around the corner from you here. I've been trying to call you all week, but I couldn't get through.

LPC: Look, I just got to go out of town again for a couple weeks, and I went ahead and had my mail forwarded over to your address just for two, three weeks while I'm out of town.

LPC: just wanted to give you a little heads up and notify you here tonight, okay?

Steven: Well, I'm glad you notified me. You can definitely have your stuff now, to my point.

Steven: For the next two, three weeks, while you’re outta town.

LPC: Thank you! Yeah, I’ll be in, uh… Canada… for that time.

Steven: I figured Vancouver, correct?

LPC: Yeah, exactly. I'll probably feel like three months, but, no, it's just going to be three weeks.

Steven: Did you feel guided to go there? No. No, no. It's for a job interview.

Steven: did a spirit call?

LPC: Yeah, it’s a job interview, ya know?

LPC: Yes.

LPC: So, hey, if you see anything real pressing in there, please just go ahead and pay it.

LPC: I'll certainly reimburse you when I get back.

Steven: It's already happened.

Steven: There was a check for a $200, there was a bill for $200.2.

Steven: $200.00.00. Spirit airlines, it said spirit calls on it.

Steven: Spirit calls you to Vancouver.

Steven: Paid for that flight.

Steven: I also sent a good recommendation into your job interview, so you should.

Steven: But you should just say that not two, three weeks, two years you'll be staying there.

Steven: So you should actually just send me the mail for a good.

Steven: I’ll—I’ll have to— just have to foot the bill for a good few years.

Steven: Okay.

Steven: Got a run.

SPEAKER_03: Here's a death.

LPC: Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_03: 706-8607.

LPC: Who is this, please?

Man(6): That’s the Action Alarm Company.

LPC: Oh, great.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: Perfect.

LPC: Thank you.

Woman (2): Action alarms.

LPC: Hi, is this action alarms?

Woman (2): Yes, it is.

LPC: Hey, this is Gregi.

LPC: I needed a set of time with you to come out and get some specs to install your alarm system.

LPC: I'm with McNeill's security.

Woman (2): Okay.

LPC: I'm supposed to install your security system for you.

LPC: So when's a good time to come out?

LPC: Maybe Monday or maybe Monday, Tuesday?

Woman (2): I don't set that up because I'm just in the dispatch.

Woman (2): Um, so Heather would, that would be Heather.

LPC: Uh, and what's the best time to reach Heather to install your security system?

LPC: You've got a brand new security system coming your way.

LPC: That's got to feel pretty good, right?

LPC: Yeah.

LPC: Yes.

LPC: Okay, so go 'head and meet with her on Monday at 8 AM, you’re saying?

Woman (2): Yeah.

LPC: Okay, I’ll be there bright ’n early—8 AM—on Monday. And—

Woman (2): Okay.

LPC: Will you be there, or?

Woman (2): Um, no, I just work third.

LPC: You just do what?

Woman (2): I work third.

LPC: Oh, I see. I see.

Woman (2): Yeah, I’m in the dispatch room.

LPC: Oh, yeah?

LPC: Did you maybe want to go dancing later this evening or do something to that time?

Google: Hello.

Google: Please state your name after the tone and Google Voice will try to connect you.

Woman (2): No, thanks.

LPC: "No, thanks"? Well, maybe you can think about it.—

LPC: Thank you.

LPC: We got a whole weekend.

LPC: You know what I'm saying?

LPC: We can try this, try that, maybe make a… mixed drink o’ some kind…

LPC: Homemade salsa.

LPC: Something I like to have from time to time.

LPC: Does that sound good at all?

SPEAKER_01: Uh, probably not.

LPC: "Prob’ly not"?—

Woman (2): But who did you say you were again?

Woman (2): Who you were with?

LPC: Uh, yeah, I'm Dr. Strunk with McNeil's security, and I'm going to be installing your brand new security system.

SPEAKER_05: Please record your message.

SPEAKER_05: On Monday morning at 8 o'clock, you may hang up or press one.

LPC: So it's going to be a lot of fun.

LPC: You're going to love what you see.

LPC: You're going to love the way you feel because it's a real secure feeling that you're going to have.

LPC: Does that sound like a winner?

Woman (2): Sure, but I don’t think, um…

Bob: Hello, you've reached the voice at the mailbox for Bob Agra.

Bob: Number two.

SPEAKER_01: I think we do our own security system.

LPC: No, I was called to install one of ours for you guys.

LPC: That's what I was called to do.

Woman (2): Mm, well we— I think we do our own security system.

LPC: Uh, not this time.

LPC: We’ve got a real hot product this summer.

LPC: You’re gonna love the way it makes ya feel!

LPC: Hi, you're not going to want to leave work.

LPC: You're going to feel so good up there.

Woman (2): Okay, well, you can call back and talk to him on Monday.

LPC: I'll be in there.

LPC: I'll be there on Monday morning.

LPC: We'll just get this bullet installed.

LPC: All right, you're going to love it.

VM: At the tone, please record your voice message.

VM: When you are finished recording, you may hang up or press "1" for more options [beep].

LPC: You're going to go about everything in a whole new way.

LPC: Everything in a whole new way, Chattanooga.

LPC: Chattanooga, thank you so much.

LPC: Chattanooga.

LPC: Thank you so much.

LPC: I think you so much.

LPC: Thank you very much.

LPC: Um, but I have no, but I'm not the home.

LPC: But I'll be back to more.

LPC: You got a little as we need.

LPC: You've got a little.

LPC: You've got to do the number of weeks for the beach.

LPC: The mailbox for, and you're not accept anything else.

LPC: Goodbye.

None: Goodbye.

None: You have to be more options.

None: I'm going to be so on.

None: I'm trying to do so much.

None: I'm trying to do that.

None: Come back.

LPC: Good night.

LPC: Thank you.

LPC: Good night.

LPC: China.

LPC: Thank you.

None: Thank you.