LPC: Are you?

MC: Hey, man! How’s it goin’?

LPC: Hi, I'm doing good. How's everybody doing?

MC: Yeah, we’re right here in London and, uh… we just watched the movie. Thank you for phoning. Does anyb—?

LPC: Thank you! I’m happy to be with ya tonight!

MC: Does anybody have any questions, uh… for Mr. LPC? Or want to—?

LPC: Oh, sure.

LPC: Oh, yeah.

LPC: I'm happy to talk to you.

MC: We got a question.

SPEAKER_06: So they're asking the global elite.

MC: So they’re asking— the “Global Elite” call, uh…

LPC: Yes.

MC: GameStop.

MC: Did you have inside information on that guy, or did you know him?

LPC: Yeah.

LPC: No, I didn't know him.

LPC: I didn't know him.

LPC: Somebody suggested that he would be funny to call.

LPC: I thought it was just sort of there.

LPC: I thought it was just sort of okay, good enough for a bonus feature, but people have told me that they really like it.

LPC: And we're really into it, so.

MC: Yeah, he’s a great guy!

LPC: Yeah.

VM (AU): The number you have not available from this service, O-C-0-1-6-3.

MC: Anybody else?

MC: Now's your chance.

LPC: Yeah, we've got it.

Man(2): There's a few calls.

Man(2): The one who stands out is moisturization.

Man(2): George's bar.

Man(2): What's the story with that guy?

MC: Yeah, what’s the story with George?

LPC: George was, uh…—

LPC: Yeah.

LPC: I used to have sort of unorthodox methods for getting phone numbers to call.

LPC: So say I had Dave's number here, and I'd go to call him, but I'd change the last two numbers and see who I got.

LPC: And that was how I got George's bar.

LPC: cell phone number.

LPC: And he liked to talk and talk and act tough and get all tough.

LPC: And so I called him a lot.

LPC: And he had a very unfortunate shootout at his establishment a couple years ago.

LPC: Yeah.

LPC: Well...

MC: Do you think...

MC: It's a good day.

Man(3): Hi, I'm Mark again.

Man(3): Hello?

LPC: Hey, um… is this the butcher shop up ‘ere?

Man(3): Yeah, that's the butcher shop.

LPC: Hey, man, I'm looking to get some maniac loaf.

LPC: If you could put some together for me tonight.

Man(3): What is that?

LPC: Uh, you know, it has leather and sticks and marshmallow.

LPC: It's an old country favorite.

Man(6): Oh, that kind.

LPC: So is that a custom order?

LPC: How much would that be on a custom basis?

Man(6): Hang up.

LPC: So, yeah, George's was, uh, used to be a cut.

LPC: He used to be a DE agent.

LPC: He used to be a lot of different things, he said.

MC: I think he lost a few family members in that shootout, didn’t he?

LPC: Yeah.

LPC: Oh, man, it was super bad.

MC: I have a question.

MC: Do you use to...

LPC: Sure.

MC: To me, there’s almo— I don’t know if it’s an actual “LPC Curse” but a lot of people have died that you’ve phoned.

MC: Like, David Degrauma.

LPC: Yeah, what’s up with that?

LPC: I was thinking about that, and somebody...

Man(4): Sorry, mate.

LPC: Hey, listen.

LPC: I need to get some, uh, some leg bone.

Man(4): Some leg bones, yeah.

LPC: Yeah, how much is that gon’ run me, guy?

Man(4): It’s $4.99 a kilo for leg bones.

SPEAKER_02: My mom told me.

SPEAKER_02: one time that she thought I was brainwashed.

SPEAKER_02: And I thought, yeah, I am brainwashed.

SPEAKER_02: Michael has washed my brain of all my own corrupt thoughts.

LPC: Okay, can I get some skin from you guys up there?

LPC: No?

LPC: Okay, oh, he left.

LPC: But anyway, so yeah, that's an Australian butcher.

LPC: Sure, sure, sure, sure.

LPC: Sure, indeed.

LPC: We're going to call the guy from Pond Stars here in Las Vegas.

LPC: Oh, you betcha.

MC: Is that Chumlee or—or whatever?

LPC: Not Chumley, the owner, Rick.

MC: Oh, nice.

LPC: And it’s… dialing. And, uh… yeah, let’s see what’s goin’ on up there!

SPEAKER_01: Yes.

LPC: Yes.

SPEAKER_01: Yes.

Rick: Hello?

LPC: Uh, hi, how you doing, man?

Man(6): Oh, I can help him.

LPC: Yeah, I got a big poster of Yvonne Gulagong,

LPC: kind of an action swinging the tennis.

LPC: racket. I'm just looking for a 30-day loan on it.

LPC: Yvonne Gulagong?

LPC: I'm just looking to stay off the books.

LPC: You with me there, guy?

LPC: Well, um...

LPC: Well he’s out! It was… worth a try!—

LPC: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you.

LPC: Thank you for being here. That happens here in an LPC world. That's going to be fine.

LPC: We're going to roll right along. Not an issue.

MC: We've got a number of 439-38-6-1.

MC: This is Jesse. He's a musician in Montreal.

LPC: All right. Thanks.

MC: Real exotic.

Jessie: Hello?

LPC: Hey Jessie?

Jessie: Who’s this?

LPC: Hey, this is Brock.

Jessie: Brock, who?

LPC: Cox.

Jessie: What?

LPC: ”Cox”, I said. How are you doin’, man?

Jessie: Wait, with Brock, one second, one second.

Jessie: Brock, what's your last name?

LPC: ”Cox”, I said, didn’t I?

Jessie: Yeah but why—? Why are you calling me?

LPC: Well, I'm playing drums here, and I want you to get a feel for my style.

LPC: You know what I'm?

LPC: That funny to you, is it?

Jessie: Nah man, I’m feelin’ the rhythm, dude. You remind me of, like. Tony Allen or like— like a young Max Roach, man, like that.

LPC: Max Roach? Yeah, sure.

Jessie: Yeah, man.

LPC: Elvin Jones? Elv—? Oh, big time, big time!

Jessie: Yeah, man, Elvin, you know it, dude.

Jessie: I can feel the polyrhythm.

LPC: But, yeah, that's the problem is my ankles are all jacked, man.

LPC: Do you consider just rubbing my ankles down with some ice packs or something?

Jessie: Yeah, I'd love to rub your ankles.

Jessie: No, real talk, man, what do you call me from L.A.?

Jessie: Who is this?

LPC: No, I got a new phone, that’s all!

Jessie: Who is it?

Jessie: Who are you Brock?

LPC: Brock Cox, yeah.

Jessie: Yeah, but how do you know me?

LPC: I heard your demo.

Jessie: What did you think of it?

LPC: Hot sound.

Jessie: It's okay, man.

Jessie: It's not like, I'm trying to.

Jessie: figure out, you know, like, stay away from that these days, you know?

Jessie: Like, just, like, just doing it, like, on the low, you know what I'm saying?

LPC: Yeah.

Jessie: Yeah, you feel me, right?

LPC: Yeah, I do.

LPC: You know where to get any goofy loaf or anything like that?

Jessie: No, I don't know.

Jessie: I don't know.

Jessie: I don't really know where to get that, but if he kind of wanted some Latin inspiration,

Jessie: like, you probably listen to, like, Sabu Martinez, has some great impression.

LPC: Sounds good.

LPC: Got to run.

MC: Oh, we got another one here.

MC: Oh, do you have a question?

Man(5): Yeah, I was kind of curious.

Man(5): Like, you've got a lot of people that you call repeatedly and repeatedly.

Man(5): Is what you're doing kind of like a form of intimacy for you?

Man(5): Or is like, do you find you get too close to people sometimes and you have to back off?

MC: The question is, the people you call repeatedly, do you ever feel too intimate with them?

MC: And do you have to back off?

LPC: Yeah, I had an experience once when I was a teenager.

LPC: They used to have a thing person-to-person calls.

LPC: If you called Collette,

LPC: to a specific person, then they would either accept or decline it.

LPC: And I ended up talking to this woman operator for about half an hour,

LPC: and she ended up calling me back at home and talked a lot on the phone.

LPC: We were supposed to meet one time, and we never did that.

LPC: But, oh, yeah, you know, you get into these situations, yeah.

Woman (2): Hello.

LPC: Hi, how you doing?

Woman (2): Hi, good, thank you.

LPC: Oh, good.

LPC: What is this place?

Woman (2): Our Facebook record store.

LPC: Oh, yeah, yeah.

LPC: Do you have cassettes up there?

Woman (2): We do, yes.

LPC: Oh, yeah.

LPC: Yeah, do you have anything by Fiddlebone on cassette at all?

Woman (2): Fiddlebone?

Woman (2): No, I'm sorry.

LPC: It's my sister's favorite.

LPC: Let me just have you talk to her, okay?

LPC: Because she knows more about it than I do.

Woman (2): Okay, thank you.

Woman (2): I've been having this thought that I just needed to come up here and take off all my clothes.

Woman (2): Really?

Woman (2): So I said, well, shall I?

LPC: Anyway, yeah, she's not ready.

LPC: I guess she doesn't know the particular album title.

LPC: Oh, wait, here.

Woman (2): I think I really feel.

Woman (2): relief that it's the end.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: It's like that's what Father's saying now, just a little bit longer,

SPEAKER_02: and you're going to come home, where you were meant to be.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: It's like we weren't made to live on this earth away from Father.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: She's gone.

LPC: She's gone on all right.

LPC: Not an issue.

LPC: Yeah.

LPC: It's par for the course, an LPC land.

LPC: Just keep on trucking.

Man(6): Hey, yeah, I need to get some scorn.

LPC: Hey, yeah, I need to get some skin.

LPC: in, all right, and some blood, a couple of ounces of blood for a special recipe.

Man(6): Okay.

Man(6): We don't have any blood, but we do have sausage skin, which is the intestines.

LPC: Uh-huh.

LPC: Intestine, you say, right?

LPC: Okay, hey, can I get any regurgitation at all?

LPC: It's supposed to be...

Man(6): No, mate, not at all.

LPC: Not at all.

LPC: What do you mean?

Man(6): No. It’s unavailable. Sent straight to the, um… fat and bone room and then gets turned into something else.

LPC: Huh, could you divert some for me here on my cookout?

LPC: I got a big cookout tonight.

Man(6): Uh, no, I couldn't get any around, do any store in here, mate?

LPC: Yes.

LPC: Okay, uh… you guys got any semen at all up ‘ere? [exhales]

Man(6): No, I don’t have any mate, no.

LPC: Or where would I go for something like, uh?

Man(6): Not too sure, mate.

Man(6): No, I've never seen it available.

LPC: Oh, yeah?

LPC: But I would have more authority to touch the soul than a MD would.

LPC: MDs aren't prepared for what I've had to do.

LPC: Um, Ds are with naked people.

LPC: MDs even put their fingers.

LPC: Okay so, uh… what—? D’you have hoofs at all? In stock?

Man(6): Oh, that's sorry?

LPC: ”Hoofs”, I said, didn’t I?

Man(6): Hoops, no.

LPC: Hoofs? Okay.

LPC: And, uh, what about the regurgitation? How, how much is that?

LPC: Or where, at what point can I get that, uh, first of the month, or?

Man(6): Uh… we don’t sell it at all, mate.

LPC: You can make an exception, can’t ye?

Man(6): No, we don't, we don't do store to me, exactly.

LPC: Uh-huh.

LPC: All right.

LPC: Let me just get some of your urine then, and then, uh, we'll be good to go, all right?

Man(6): Yeah, too, easy, mate.

Man(6): No worries.

Man(6): How many ants are you after?

LPC: Uh, six ounces.

Man(6): Six ounces?

Man(6): No, worries, Mike.

Man(6): I think you're talking a piss enough.

Man(6): You've got enough for your own.

LPC: What is that supposed to mean?

LPC: Okay.

LPC: Goodbye.

LPC: He’s out in the Outback.

MC: We’ve got a number for you here, sir.

MC: Yes.

MC: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

LPC: It is a defining moment, and God's people are going to be vindicated, and the world is going to be judged.

LPC: It's final.

LPC: You can take that to the bank.

LPC: We're done.

LPC: We're talking about leaving the earth.

LPC: And nakedness is another symbol of our relationship with God.

MC: Alright. I’ve got about… seven more minutes, here. So we’ve got a few more numbers for ye.

LPC: Okay.

MC: 519-4543.

MC: This is Edy.

MC: He's a promoter.

Edy: This Alex Trebek?

LPC: Edy.

LPC: What's cooking?

LPC: Alex Trebek.

LPC: Who is this?

LPC: Hey.

LPC: I am.

LPC: I am Messiah.

LPC: Hey, Edy.

LPC: I am Messiah.

LPC: Hey, Edy.

LPC: Hey, I need to get some photographs taken.

LPC: Can you.

LPC: Maybe help me out?

Man(7): What?

LPC: This is Grisidius Fike.

LPC: I'm involved in cave exploration and sorcery, things like that.

LPC: What's on your calendar?

LPC: Got time for some photographs up here.

Man(7): Sorry, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about and I don’t even know who this is, but, uh…

LPC: I need some freaking photos, guy.

LPC: Why don't you listen up?

LPC: and then we can put some ideas together.

LPC: What do you think?

LPC: Oh, man.

LPC: You want me to come over and shove you around a little bit? [exhales]

LPC: Oh, yeah?

LPC: are you going to say the same thing when you feel my

LPC: frickin' grip.

LPC: Oh, is that funny to you, huh?

LPC: I'm going to touch your leg bone here pretty soon.

LPC: Give you an Indian burn.

LPC: What do you think of that?

LPC: Do what God tells you?

LPC: Oh, wow.

LPC: That guy was ready for some action, I think, but only half ready.

LPC: Only half ready.

MC: Well we’ve got three minutes left.

Boy: Hello.

LPC: Is Emilio there, please?

Boy: Uh, what's Amelia?

Boy: Senior.

LPC: Emilio Senior, yeah.

Boy: Emilio, yes.

Boy: Let me go find him.

LPC: Thank you.

LPC: Yes.

LPC: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Emilio: Hello?

LPC: Emilio.

Emilio: Yes? Who’s calling?

LPC: Uh, this is Guy.

LPC: All right, and, uh, listen, I need to borrow you guys's living room.

LPC: I got your number online.

LPC: We're just looking to have a card game, a friendly card game.

LPC: Just need to borrow your living room for a couple hours.

Emilio: I don’t even know who you are.

LPC: I'm in Shaw Heights.

LPC: It's fine.

LPC: Not a problem.

LPC: Not a problem there.

Emilio: No, but… I don’t do stuff like that.

Emilio: I don’t even know who “Guy” is.

LPC: Like what?

LPC: That's me.

Emilio: Huh?

Emilio: I don't even know you.

LPC: Well, we're going to get together and play cards, aren't we?

LPC: You'll get to know me there.

Emilio: I don't even know you.

Emilio: Why would I get together with you?

LPC: Well, I got cigars, I got poker chips, I got a deck of cards.

LPC: I got about three or four good old boys with me.

LPC: It'll be a great time.

Emilio: I don't even know you.

Emilio: We're going to call in this number.

LPC: We're going to borrow your living room this week, okay?

LPC: For about two hours.

Emilio: Quit— Quit calling this number.

LPC: What's a good time to come up there?

LPC: Can you just give me a good time?

Emilio: What's wrong with you?

Emilio: Are you, uh, have a mental issues or what?

LPC: No.

LPC: Do you guys have any ground beef up there?

LPC: Because we need to cook some stew and stuff when we get there, okay?

LPC: I'll be there tomorrow.

LPC: We can just work it out between seven and nine o'clock.

LPC: night, okay?

Emilio: No, you are.

Emilio: I think you need to take some mental medication.

LPC: What's that supposed to mean?

LPC: This is going to be a Wednesday night card game.

Emilio: That means you’re a crazy guy!

LPC: It's going to be a Thursday night card game.

LPC: That's all there is to it, okay?

Emilio: No, there's nothing to it.

Emilio: You're just a weirdo.

LPC: Hey, I got your number online.

LPC: I got your number online.

Emilio: Wait, where did you get it?

Emilio: What do you mean online?

Emilio: From where?

LPC: Aren't you in the community?

LPC: Are you in the community or aren't you?

Emilio: No.

LPC: No.

LPC: What do you mean?

LPC: No.

Emilio: I’m not.

LPC: Look, just go pick up some ground beef and

LPC: set up your card table, and then we'll be there at 7 o'clock.

LPC: Okay, 7 o'clock sharp.

Emilio: No, quit calling this number.

LPC: I will, because we're just going to come over, all right?

LPC: And then have your...

Emilio: No, you’re a weirdo, man!

LPC: What is that supposed to mean?—

Emilio: Let me report you to the police officers for harassment.

Emilio: It's sworn in the Bible.

LPC: It will occur.

LPC: Guy Cox.

Emilio: And what's your address?

Emilio: Let me have your address.

LPC: But I got your number online.

Emilio: It doesn't matter where you got my number.

LPC: You're just signed up for this.

Emilio: No, I didn’t sign up for anything!

LPC: Oh, the heck you didn’t!—

Emilio: Lemme have your address.

LPC: Well I’ll be right there.—

Emilio: Lemme have your address.

LPC: What’s your address?

Emilio: Lemme have your address.

LPC: Why?

Emilio: So we can go over there with a police officer and get this, uh, squared away!

LPC: I am the embodiment of God.

LPC: I am divinity and humanity combined.

LPC: All right.

LPC: So that's all you need to know.

Emilio: You need to take some medication.

LPC: I got a six pack o’ beer!—

LPC: I’m gonna show up with a beer and, uh, some cards and, uh, cigars.—

Emilio: Well, I'm going to show up with a fucking gun and blow your fucking brains out if you keep fucking with me.

LPC: We're just going to play a friendly game of cards.

LPC: You're going to love it.

Emilio: If you want to fucking die, come fuck with me then.

Emilio: A piece of shit.

LPC: I'm going to bring Dino.

LPC: I'm going to bring Rai Rai.

LPC: I'm going to bring them all over with me.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: Canada, you've been astounding.

LPC: You've been a sounding.

LPC: We love you.

SPEAKER_00: I love you.

SPEAKER_00: Thank you.

SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.

LPC: We love you. I love you. Thank you. Thanks for having a great time tonight.

LPC: Thanks for having a great time tonight.

LPC: Thank you. Have a great night. Thank you so much. Have a great night.

SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much. Have a great night. Thank you so much.

LPC: Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.