MC: Uh, LPC, are you there?

LPC: Hi, hi, hi, hi, how are you doing?

LPC: Hey, everybody. How's it going?

LPC: Woo!

LPC: I'm happy to be with you guys tonight.

LPC: Thank you for being here.

LPC: I sure do appreciate it.

LPC: Thank you very much.

LPC: We're going to have a little fun.

LPC: Thank you kindly.

MC: So let's see, do you want to take some phone numbers or questions?

Man(1): Thank you for calling, Central New York.

Man(1): I'm not going to help you.

LPC: Hi, how are you doing?

Man(1): Doing well.

Man(1): How can I help you?

LPC: Yeah. Um… what kinda store is this?

Man(1): Sensually Yours is a… adult novelty store.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: Is your store organized?

Man(1): Yes.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: And the staff members, are you eager to help?

Man(1): Yes.

Man(1): any questions when you come in? Yes, we can help you.

LPC: Okay, so you’re knowledgable? Great.

LPC: Yeah.

LPC: Um… do you have wands… in stock?—

Man(1): Yes, we do.

LPC: Okay, are they clean?

Man(1): We receive them straight from the manufacturer and they go to the sales floor, so, yes, they are.

LPC: Oh, so you don’t rent them?

Man(1): No.

LPC: Okay, so are any of them double, double, or, or any of them triple, or double, or double, or double, or double, or double?

LPC: or double, or double, or, or double, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or.

LPC: the wands that you sell?

LPC: You know what I'm saying?

LPC: What do you have in stock?

SPEAKER_06: God took me to the bedroom and laid down, and he held me, and somehow it was like all of heaven was open to me.

SPEAKER_06: Somehow, I started to see God.

SPEAKER_06: Well, somehow, as the son of God holding me.

SPEAKER_08: I treated these two naked witnesses with the same respect as if I'd been

SPEAKER_08: An MD who was doing surgery.

LPC: Okay, so I'll be there within the hour.

LPC: Sound good, I'm good, I'm good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

LPC: Okay, thank you, thank you.

LPC: Uh-huh.

LPC: Take care of yourself.

LPC: All right, take care.

LPC: All right, everybody.

LPC: Hi.

SPEAKER_06: This means literally, physically naked.

LPC: So if anybody's got something.

LPC: You know, I'm happy to talk to you here tonight.

LPC: Certainly am.

LPC: Oh, I certainly.

LPC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LPC: What's on tap?

LPC: What's on tap tonight?

LPC: People of New York.

MC: We’ve got, uh, someone coming up right now.

LPC: Okay.

Man(2): Hey, how's it going?

Man(2): Big fan.

Man(2): I have a question about a, hey, all right.

LPC: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

LPC: Uh-huh.

Man(2): The call that you… call in… the motels consistently who— You know, the weird guy. How have—? How did you keep getting in touch with him at different… places?

LPC: Oh, wow.

Man(2): You know the guy I’m talking about? That guy?—

LPC: Hello?

LPC: Yeah, hi.

LPC: What store is this?

Hamilton: Bucci and Bird.

LPC: Oh, yeah, hey, man.

LPC: You guys got any up, Chuck, up, bar?

Man(3): Hold on.

LPC: Yeah, the David Donoruma you're talking about, the interloper, I think.

LPC: He would come into my work.

Man(3): ’Scuse me? What you wanted?

LPC: Hey, I was lookin’ for some upchuck up 'ere.

Man(3): "Upchuck"?

LPC: Yes, sir.

Man(3): Hold on.

LPC: No.

LPC: No, no, no.

LPC: And anyway, he didn't belong there.

LPC: He just came in and harassed me, and I, uh,

LPC: you know, it was a business transaction he was trying to do without paying.

LPC: So I did have his number in a hotel, and there you go.

LPC: And then after I left that job, it occurred to me one day, you know what?

LPC: If I call the voicemail, I bet you who he's in there.

LPC: So I logged into my old company's voicemail, and sure enough, he was in there with a new hotel number,

LPC: and I called him again.

LPC: Place takeout orders all over the world.

LPC: Hello, is anybody there?

Man(4): Hello.

LPC: Hi.

Man(4): Hi.

LPC: Yeah, d’you guys have any upchuck up 'ere?

Man(4): "Upchuck"?

LPC: Yes, sir.

Man(4): What is that?

Man(4): Yes.

LPC: Yes.

LPC: Well, it’s… well, regurgitation is what it is.

Man(4): Yeah, I got some.

Man(4): Come on down.

LPC: From a hog, from a pig.

Man(4): I mean, it's for a recipe.

LPC: So you guys sell urine and blood and things like that?

LPC: Can I get that from you?

Man(4): Yeah, I'll sell anything.

Man(4): Sure.

LPC: Oh, really?

Man(4): Come on by.

Man(4): Yeah.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: Do you have semen up up at all?

Man(4): Yeah, semen’s extra, though.

LPC: Uh… w—? Yeah, how much am I lookin’ for for like a half a gallon, gallon?

Man(4): Are you gonna make eye contact or not?

LPC: Eye contact?

LPC: Well, I'm willing to pay cash or master charge.

Man(4): Cool! So yeah, I mean, uh… we’d cut you a deal if we make eye contact while we deliver the semen.

LPC: Well, if you're trying to be cute.

LPC: I mean, this is a serious recipe I'm trying to cook, guy, and that's what it calls for.

Man(4): Yeah, what’s the recipe called?

LPC: Uh… doesn’t have a name but it looks real good in the picture.

Man(4): Cool.

LPC: It's an over 21 magazine.

LPC: Okay.

Man(4): Nice.

Man(4): Overall of age here, so yeah, you want to come down and collect all these bodily fluids.

Man(4): We got you.

LPC: Got to run.

LPC: Hi, everybody.

LPC: Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

LPC: Hi ev’ry bo-dy! [delay]So I hope that answers your question about "The Interloper" there.

MC: Absolutely.

LPC: Nice.

LPC: Yes.

SPEAKER_08: Yes.

SPEAKER_08: I'm very sensitive what God says to.

SPEAKER_08: me, and I must obey my father's instructions.

LPC: So yeah, I think he’s no longer with us but, uh… it was fun while it lasted.

MC: Does anyone else have any questions?

SPEAKER_12: Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_08: I swear it.

Man(4): Hello, Butcher & Bird.

LPC: Hey, Butcher?

Man(4): Yes.

LPC: Hey, do you guys have any teeth up there or lips?

LPC: I don't know what you guys sell.

Man(4): Teeth or lips?

LPC: Yes, yes, yes.

Man(4): Well, we prefer lips, but no teeth.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: What do you got in stock right now?

LPC: I mean, what can I expect to get up there from me?

LPC: [delay]What can I expect to get, up—

LPC: What can I expect?

LPC: You know, how late are you there, too?

LPC: I was one I'm trying to find out.

LPC: What can I expect?

LPC: How late are you there, too?

LPC: I was what I'm trying to find out.

Man(4): We’re here pretty late.

SPEAKER_03: I don't need any lips.

SPEAKER_03: I'm from you.

LPC: You feel me?

LPC: I don't need any of them.

LPC: I don't need any lip.

LPC: Are you reading me, guy?

LPC: Are ya readin’ me, guy?

Man(5): feel me?

Man(5): Hello?

LPC: Are you reading me, guy?

LPC: Oh, yeah?

LPC: You ready to feel my freaking grill?

Man(4): You feel me?

Man(4): Yeah.

LPC: Oh, yeah?

LPC: You ready to meet my freaking lip?

Man(4): Sure, why not?

LPC: You're ready to meet my freaking lip?

LPC: You feel me?

Man(4): Yeah.

Man(4): Oh, yeah?

LPC: You're ready to take a big old freaking sip.

LPC: You feel me?

LPC: Oh, yeah.

LPC: You're ready to take a big old phrase?

LPC: Thank you.

LPC: People of New York.

LPC: How's it going tonight?

LPC: People of New York.

LPC: How's it going tonight?

MC: I think we’ve got time for a couple more.

LPC: Excellent.

LPC: Just what I wanted to hear.

MC: We’ve got a phone number come up for ya.

LPC: Oh, really?

LPC: When can I expect that to arrive?

LPC: Hello?

Hamilton: Hi.

LPC: Hi.

LPC: All right.

Hamilton: Hello, Conan.

Hamilton: Butcher's your shop?

Hamilton: This is Hamilton.

LPC: Hey, Hamilton.

LPC: How are you doing that?

Hamilton: Really good.

LPC: Hey, uh, d’you guys sell any upchuck at all up there?

Hamilton: You’re lookin’ for, uh… chuck round?

LPC: Yeah, yeah.

Hamilton: We do on occasion.

Hamilton: We haven't had it for a little while.

Hamilton: I don’t think any’s comin’ in this week.

LPC: How about any blood or urine at all?

LPC: Do you guys carry anything like that?

Hamilton: Sometimes the blood.

LPC: And how—? What am I lookin’ at on like a… half gallon or a gallon, if you could put that together for me?

Hamilton: I think. But right now, the only blood is prolly comin’ outta Sack ’N Save.—

Hamilton: I don't know if I'm probably sack and save.

Hamilton: Okay.

Hamilton: I think sack and save would be your best bet for blood, a little local grocery store.

Hamilton: We're not getting any local right now.

Hamilton: Yes, yes.

LPC: Did you guys have any lips up on?

Hamilton: No.

LPC: From a cow?

LPC: Or from a pig?

Hamilton: No, none.

Hamilton: What’re you makin’?

LPC: Oh, jumbalaya.

Hamilton: You might be able to get a whole pig at Costco.

LPC: Yeah, I looked. They had heads but… I just need the lips.

Hamilton: No, no pig slaughter on the island right now.

LPC: Oh, yeah?

Hamilton: You gotta get the whole kit and caboodle.

LPC: Yeah, you guys got any urine up?

Hamilton: I think so.

LPC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LPC: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LPC: How much am I looking at on that?

Hamilton: It depends… if it’s been aged or not.

LPC: You idiots have any semen at all?

Hamilton: Same thing, yep, we do.

LPC: Okay, cool, same deal, same deal.

LPC: Do you idiots carry tails or legs at all?

Hamilton: We have a ha— a half a pound of each, probably.

LPC: And how much do you idiots charge up 'ere for that?

Hamilton: Ya know, the usual, the usual.

LPC: Hell of a deal, hell of a deal, hell of a deal, hell of a deal, thank you, thank you.

LPC: Thank you.

LPC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LPC: Woo! Hell of a deal! New York…

MC: Think we’ve got time for one or— one or two more.

LPC: Outstanding.

LPC: We’ve been talking to Hawaiian meat markets and adult bookstores tonight.

LPC: Let's see if we can keep this train or rolling here.

LPC: We'll keep the train of rolling.

SPEAKER_06: The only way to come.

SPEAKER_06: the resolution in your life is to be naked before God.

Man(8): Non Stop.

LPC: Hello?

Man(8): Hello. Non Stop.

LPC: Yeah, d’you guys sell, uh, kegs?

Man(8): No, we do not carry cakes at all.

Man(8): You have to call cake liquors.

LPC: No, I don’t.

Man(8): No, you have to call cake liquors.

Man(8): They have cakes.

LPC: I don't have to do anything, Guy.

LPC: What do you think of that for a bunch of good news?

Man(8): And I’m sorry, we do not carry kegs.

LPC: Well, you better start.

LPC: You feel me?

Man(8): No, because we think we can't.

LPC: Well, get busy.

LPC: Get started.

LPC: What are you waiting for?

Man(8): Bye.

MC: All right. We've got a number here for you.

LPC: Oh, yeah?

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's true.

LPC: Are you going to begin reading it?

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's 408-2808.

LPC: Okay, thank you.

LPC: Who is this person?

Man(9): His name's Diego.

Man(9): He works at a wine store.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: Let's do it to it.

LPC: Diego.

LPC: Okay, here we go.

LPC: This is Diego, everybody.

LPC: Give a warm welcome to Diego.

LPC: Thank you.

Diego: Hello?

LPC: Hey, Diego.

Diego: Yes.

LPC: Hey, what’s up?

Diego: Oh, ya know, just livin’ and lovin’! And yourself?

LPC: This is Jock.

Diego: Hey, Jock, what’s goin’ on?

LPC: Feeling good. Feeling real freaking good.

LPC: Couple quick questions for ya.

Diego: Alright, lay 'em on me.

LPC: I really fouled up my finger, something fierce.

LPC: Could you do me a solid and slip some socks on my feet here tonight, or?

Diego: We can try.

Diego: try, that's for sure.

LPC: You know, I'm that guy you've probably seen around the neighborhood.

LPC: I got a big brush in my back pocket I carry around, you know?

LPC: Brush my hair.

Diego: Yeah, I think.

Diego: I might have seen you.

Diego: I might have seen you once and twice.

LPC: Oh, I'm sure you have.

LPC: I'm sure you have.

LPC: I'm sure you've given it a lot of thought, too, after hours, if you know where I'm going with that.

LPC: But would you be willing to apply a little moose into my scalp,

LPC: under my hair shaft, working in there, you know what I'm saying, guy?

SPEAKER_09: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

LPC: Uh, are you with me on that, or?

SPEAKER_08: I am the embodiment of God.

Diego: Yeah, I think so.

LPC: I'm the embodiment of God.

LPC: I swear it.

LPC: Listen, I've got this new product.

LPC: I bought it off that Suzanne Summers infomercial.

LPC: This is like a base, cosmetics, you know, that kind of stuff.

LPC: Can I just put it on your face and see what it looks like and take a real good look at you?

LPC: I mean, that's something I'd like to get into maybe tomorrow morning if you're free?

Diego: Yeah, what time?

LPC: Well, you know, not too early, 6, 7 a.m.

LPC: Should be good.

Diego: Okay.

Diego: That sounds pretty good.

LPC: Does that work for you?

LPC: Get you dialed in, get you dialed in?

Diego: Yeah.

LPC: Brush each other's hair a little bit.

LPC: What do you think?

Diego: I'm definitely, I'm down.

Diego: I'm down.

Diego: You just meet me over here?

Diego: I'll be here.

LPC: I got a poster of Lee Majors we can look at.

LPC: A million dollar man?

LPC: Oh, yeah.

LPC: Oh, it's awesome.

Diego: Oh, big time.

Diego: Oh, yeah.

LPC: It's a jumbo poster, eight feet tall.

LPC: all, he looks awesome in it.

LPC: He does.

LPC: It's an absolute fact.

LPC: I tell you something right here,

LPC: and I'm going to talk to you a little bit about it.

LPC: First thing tomorrow, set your alarm.

LPC: Sound good?

Diego: I will, I will.

Diego: Got it right.

Diego: And you have a good night.

LPC: You too.

LPC: Later.

LPC: Okay, everybody.

SPEAKER_12: We can do one more.

LPC: Let's get together.

LPC: Read some new.

MC: We can do one more.

LPC: Let's get together.

LPC: Let's exchange information.

MC: All right.

MC: We've got one coming up right now.

LPC: Oh, yeah?

LPC: Sounds hot.

SPEAKER_05: 615-991.

LPC: What were the last four?

LPC: You're pretty quick.

SPEAKER_05: 5991.

LPC: 5991.

LPC: Okay, that works for me.

LPC: Thank you.

LPC: Who's for Ryan?

LPC: What's the first?

LPC: What’s the name?

Woman (1): Ryan.

LPC: Verizon?

LPC: No, I don't need another carrier.

LPC: What's his name, young lady?

MC: Ryan.

LPC: Ryan.

LPC: Okay, good.

Ryan: Hello?

LPC: Yeah, Ryan.

Ryan: Yes.

LPC: Is this Ryan?

Ryan: Yes, it is.

LPC: Huh! It doesn’t sound like you.

Ryan: And who is this?

Ryan: It is a defining moment, and God's people are going to be vindicated, and the world is going to be judged.

Ryan: It's final.

Ryan: You can take that to the bank.

Ryan: We're done.

Ryan: We're talking about leaving the earth.

LPC: You got me?

Ryan: Okay.

Ryan: Oh, yeah.

LPC: First thing tomorrow morning.

LPC: Get your fishing rod and your hairbrush and meet me outside and we'll put our forces together.

LPC: You know what I mean?

Ryan: I’m not sure!

LPC: Stick your chin up towards the sky and wait for salvation kind of thing.

LPC: Bright and early tomorrow.

Ryan: Yeah, you think so?

Ryan: With fishing?

LPC: Well, that comes later.

LPC: You know, you'll find out about it after I do.

LPC: Not before.

LPC: You got me straight there, Ryan?

LPC: Because.

LPC: I'm leading the chair here.

LPC: Oh, big time.

LPC: Oh, really?

LPC: Oh, yeah.

LPC: So I'll get with you about 6, 7 a.m.

LPC: I'll brush your hair, make sure you're presentable.

LPC: Sound good?

Ryan: Okay.

Ryan: Sounds great.

SPEAKER_03: You're tough, tough, tough, tough.

SPEAKER_03: Oh, big time.

SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah.

LPC: Hey, did you want to maybe come by and look at my posters?

LPC: I got a Jacqueline Smith poster.

LPC: Jacqueline Smith.

LPC: Real nice.

LPC: About eight feet tall poster I got.

LPC: …from the '70s.

LPC: Uh-huh.

LPC: Take a good look at it.

LPC: Take a real good look at it.

LPC: She's got a helmet on, but trust me, she looks good, dude.

LPC: Good.

Ryan: Oh, yeah?

Ryan: Oh, yeah.

Ryan: What are the kind of posters you got?

LPC: Hot stuff.

LPC: Oh, well, you know, I got some different things.

LPC: Oh, yeah.

LPC: Got that lady from Sesame Street, but it was before she was on Sesame Street.

LPC: Real different.

LPC: We're going to get real different tomorrow, buddy.

LPC: And we'll watch some electric company, all right?

LPC: Some reruns.

Ryan: I would love to.

LPC: Oh, good.

LPC: I'll see you then.

Ryan: Oh, yeah.

LPC: Oh, uh-huh.

LPC: Bye-bye.

LPC: That was Ryan, everybody.

LPC: Ah, hot stuff.

LPC: We're getting retro.

MC: I think that's going to do it for us.

LPC: You guys, thank you on a serious note.

LPC: Thank you so, so much for being here tonight.

LPC: I can't believe it.

LPC: Thank you.

LPC: You guys rule.

LPC: Seriously.

LPC: Thank you.

LPC: It's freaking awesome.

LPC: And thank you, Thomas.

LPC: Thank you, everybody, once again.

LPC: Have a fun night.

LPC: Have some fun.

MC: Thank you.

LPC: Take good care.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: Bye.