Man (1): Hello?

LPC: Hello. My name’s Dale Pigtale. I’m calling from Mission Beach Parking Enforcement—

LPC: —How are we today, sir?

Man (1): I’m doing okay. Your name, again, is…?

LPC: My name is Dale. I'm with Mission Beach parking enforcement. Yes, sir.

Man (1): D-A-L-E?

LPC: Correct.

Man (1): Okay, do you have a last name, Dale?

LPC: Pig-T-A-L-E.

LPC: P-I-G-T-A-L-E.

LPC: —E. Yes, sir!

Man (1): Is this a legitimate call?

LPC: Sir, I’m Native American!

Man (1): Okay! Thank you! I’m sorry. Okay!—

LPC: Okay.

Man (1): I just had some weird encounters in that area lately.

LPC: I have a report on my desk here that apparently you were operating an unsafe vehicle

LPC: and did some damage to some park vehicles in the area there.

Man (1): Oh, that’s absolutely false!—

LPC: —It’s absolutely false?—

Man (1): Actually, I've had somebody.

Man (1): damage my vehicle.

Man (1): That's why I'm asking you.

LPC: Damage your vehicle.

Man (1): Correct.

LPC: Well, I have a report here of some erratic driving and that you did some damage to two parked cars.

Man (1): I'm not going to entertain.

Man (1): I'm not going to entertain this because my car was, in fact, damaged there, and there was someone

Man (1): who actually left a very offensive note on the car there, threatening me and sexual violence,

Man (1): against me and obviously has been targeting me, and I have the notes that they left,

Man (1): and I will not be responding to your comments.

Man (1): If you would like to respond with my lawyers, I will do that.

Man (1): But other than that, I am being targeted by somebody unfairly there,

Man (1): who I believe is a patron of that beach who is there every single day

Man (1): and has been obsessively targeting me there, and I am no longer again going to respond.

LPC: you or anyone else, you've got a ticket for $970.

LPC: No, I don't.

LPC: For restitution.

LPC: Yes, we do, sir.

Man (1): No.

Man (1): You can't give me a ticket over the phone.

Man (1): Sorry.

LPC: $970 if you want to use a credit card.

LPC: Hey, Don.

Don: Yes.

LPC: Hey, yeah, this is local.

LPC: I just moved in in the neighborhood here.

LPC: How are you doing?

Don: Good.

LPC: Excellent.

LPC: We have the same dentist, it turns out.

LPC: That's where I got your phone number from.

Don: Oh, from Dr. Rethmire?

LPC: Yeah, so that was where I got it from.

LPC: I told him, I lived here, and he gave me the number.

LPC: I'm sure you're busy.

LPC: I don't know anybody else in the area, and I got a new bike.

LPC: I was just going to maybe stop by.

LPC: Maybe you could show me how to ride it.

LPC: I never learned how to ride the bicycle.

Don: No, I think you've got the wrong guy here.

Don: First of all, my doctor is a female, and I don't teach bicycle.

LPC: riding? Well, no, I know you're not an instructor, but I could really use the help. I need to

LPC: ride around, you know, learn the area. So I'll just drop by.

Don: No, don't drop by them. Don't drop by it. Don't drop by. This is too weird.

LPC: [saxophone] Well, just for a couple minutes. It won’t take long; I’m a quick learner—real quick learner! [sax]—

Don: —No—no—no—no, man! This is too bizarre. We can’t have this.

LPC: Well, I got a saxophone I could give ya, free of charge, just for showing me. S—I mean, listen: [sniffs] [sax]—

Don: No. No, man, no deal. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't have a saxophone. I can't. I can't have a saxophone. I can't. I

Don: We can't have anything more to do with this. This is too weird. And I don't teach bicycle riding. Okay?

LPC: —See? It’s a quality instrument, here! [sax]

Woman (1): Ram's office. This is Sharon. Can I help you?

LPC: Hi. I came in there about three, four days ago. I had some eye care done up here.

LPC: And I'm just seeing lines and different shapes. I'm seeing a triangle every time I turn around up here. I'm not sure what's going on.

Woman (1): Okay. And your last name?

LPC: Knox.

LPC: Okay. Okay. I had my pupils dilated.

LPC: Okay. And I can't tell what the heck's going on over here.

Woman (1): Okay, and what’s your birth date?

LPC: My birthday? Well, it's already passed. It happened last month.

Woman (1): Well, what is it? Your birthday.

LPC: —But I’m seeing spheres and I’m seeing brick walls and I can’t see!—

LPC: What's your birthday? I'm a ma'am? I can't see over here.

Woman (1): What’s your birth date?

LPC: It’s in July—

Woman (1): —I need the actual birth date and year—

LPC: Okay.

LPC: On the year is 1970.

Woman (1): All right.

Woman (1): What was the date?

Woman (1): July what?

LPC: 35th.

Woman (1): There is no July 35.

LPC: No, I'm 35.

Woman (1): July 35th, 19.

LPC: Correct.

Woman (1): Hello?

LPC: Yes, I can't see straight, ma'am.

LPC: Every time I turn around, I’m running into things—

Woman (1): I can find your file.

LPC: I got a glass of water.

LPC: And I poured it over my shoulder because I can't even see what I'm doing.

LPC: It's a mess.

Woman (1): You can call back when you’re more serious!

Man (2): Hello?

LPC: Hi, yes.

LPC: My name's Ernie, Quasimodo.

LPC: How are you?

Man (2): Fine.

Man (2): What's this regarding?

LPC: Yeah, I've got a few hundred words written that I wanted to send to you on this reincarnated pterodactal.

LPC: Have you been following this at all?

Man (2): No, I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.

LPC: It's a reincarnated pterodactal out of the Buda Khan area.

LPC: I've got about 500 words and just some kind of low-res pictures.

LPC: I'm working on getting better ones.

Man (2): That's really not even my forte.

Man (2): I'm into ghost.

Man (2): Hauntings and Poltekeyes phenomenon.

LPC: Well, in that same area of the Buddakan, there’s a tranquilized Chupacabra that they’ve got in captivity at this point in time.

Man (2): Well, you know,

Man (2): You'd actually be better off speaking to somebody in cryptozoology.

Man (2): They're more savvy with that type of material than I am.

LPC: I don't know how to reach those folks.

LPC: How about that euthanized ogle-pogo that there was recently photos?

Man (2): Again, you're all talking about crypto zoology.

Man (2): You're talking about, you know, unknown creatures and things of that nature.

Man (2): I'm into ghost haunting and poltergeist phenomenon, is what I do.

LPC: Have you heard of the Canimal Bat?

Man (2): No, I have not.

Man (2): Hello?

LPC: Hey, it's Ernie.

LPC: How are you?

Man (2): I—As I told you yesterday, I’m not really into that kinda stuff.

LPC: Buddy, I got this whole thing with this reincarnated turidactyl.

LPC: I got it.

Man (2): —‘Cause it’s not my expertise!

LPC: Yeah.

LPC: What are you working with?

Man (2): I told you yesterday.

Man (2): Ghost haunting a poltergeist phenomenon.

LPC: But this tranquilized chupacabra, don't you want to look at it?

LPC: I've got video.

Man (2): Not really.

LPC: They're going to miniatize.

LPC: this thing and send it around.

LPC: They're going to send it to...

Man (2): You need to talk to somebody, as I told you yesterday in crypto zoology,

Man (2): that had it more of an expertise in it than I would.

LPC: Yeah, but let's look at some video together.

LPC: They're going to euthanize this...

Man (2): I'm really not interested, sir.

LPC: They got a Ogopogo at the Buddakan here!

Man (2): Yes?

LPC: Hey, I'll tell you what, I'll send you a PayPal payment.

LPC: Just as a deposit.

LPC: Just to...

LPC: Send you some video and have your opinion.

LPC: Send back to me just...

LPC: Send me an email.

Man (2): I’m not an expert so I can’t give you an expert opinion.

LPC: On which one?

Man (2): On any of them.

Man (2): I'm not a cryptozoologist.

Man (2): Don't you understand that?

LPC: Yeah, but you—you’re interested in the pterodactyl, aren’t ye?

Man (2): No, I'm not.

Man (2): I'm interested in ghost, hauntings, and poltergeist phenomena.

LPC: Okay, well, then this video of the Chupacabra’s gonna drive ya wild!—

Man (2): A cobra is a cryptozoological manifestation.

Man (2): It has nothing to do with ghosts, hauntings, or poltergeist phenomena phenomena.

LPC: Okay, but I talked to Gavin Conchlan.

Man (2): That might be fine with him, but I don't know anything about Gavin, whoever you just mentioned.

LPC: Gavin Conklin.

LPC: Gavin Conchlan said that you could appreciate my video tape that I got here. [sfx]

Man (2): I don’t even know Gavin, so I don’t know how he’s recommending people to—to—for me to look at cryptozoological stuff.

LPC: They’re gonna euthanize a dragonfish if I don’t get together with ya here!—

Man (2): No, sir, I really don't want to get any more into this, and I really wish you would stop calling here.

LPC: I'll send you a PayPal payment.

LPC: Okay, just for an hour.

Man (2): I really don't want a PayPal payment.

Man (2): I really just, you know, if you really want to talk to somebody who's really interested,

Man (2): Google Cryptozoologists here in the United States, and there's a whole bunch that we'll pull up.

LPC: I'll bring some notches over.

LPC: We can watch this video today.

LPC: It'll be dynamite.

LPC: Watch up.

LPC: Hi, yeah, I was lookin’ for, like, a 30-day loan.

Man (3): So the loan periods are 30 days, but you don't have to pick up the loan.

Man (3): After that 30, you just have to pay up the loan.

Man (3): the interest charge, and every time you put the interest charge, it extends that loan 30 days point.

LPC: Okay, great! I’ve got a, ah, Lebanese lamb. What would I get monetarily for somethin’ like that? [siren]

Man (3): So like an animal?

LPC: Hey, yeah, I think we got cut off up ‘ere!

Man (3): Uh, no, I hung up on you ‘cause I figured you were messin’ with me.

LPC: Messin’ with you? I’m just tryin’ to get a dollar amount. [siren]

Man (3): Okay. Well, you and your lamb can go fuck themselves. If you're that or you, you're that,

Man (3): it's harder to think a pawn shop. We take a live animal and I have to explain that to you.

LPC: I'm surprised you can breathe on your own. Hey, how about I come up there on body blow.

Man (3): Oh yeah, come on up, bud. I left you. I'm here till seven. Come by anytime. Body blow, body blow. How's that

Man (3): sound? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're not going to. But go ahead. Hey, tough guy. I got a machete.

LPC: What do you think of that? I can bring it up there. Oh, I'm shaking. Yeah. I bet. Because it's going to be

LPC: body blow, body blow. And then my freaking machete.

Man (3): Uh, yeah, odds are you’re not comin’ up here. Have a great day!

Tony: Who is us?

LPC: Yeah, Tony, ya there?

Tony: Yeah, who is it?

LPC: Yeah, this is Stevie Buckeye. I’m your new neighbor here. I got your number from the mailman.

Tony: What do you want?

LPC: There's been some theft in the neighborhood, okay, guy? My neighbor and myself are missing some stuff.

LPC: I just want to drop by and get a saliva sample from you, just to exclude you.

Tony: You call me here again, I’ll fuckin’ kill ya!

LPC: Look, we just wanna swab ya and exclude ya! That’s all we’re trying to go, okay?

SPEAKER_02: What the fuck are you talking to? Listen to out. Listen to this fucking idiot. Go ahead. Please,

LPC: keep fucking talking. Hey, I'm your new neighbor. We're going to swab you and that's all we're trying to do.

LPC: We're just trying to exclude you, man. All right.

Woman (2): What's the fucking idiot. Hey, um, you need to just continue this conversation.

Woman (2): Mm-hmm. And, um, eliminate our number from

SPEAKER_02: your phone. Once we get the saliva sample, we'll be done. Eliminate our number from your phone

Woman (2): right now. Otherwise, I will have lawyers on your shit. Do you got it? Good. We need your saliva, too.

LPC: You understand? Hello? Yeah, buddy, I want your and the lady's saliva tonight. All right? That's two

Tony: samples we want tonight. You understand? You understand what the hell I'm talking about? You can't even

LPC: ask for that. Well, I just did.

Tony: Oh, that's nice. I can ask you for a fucking sperm sample and a fucking blood sample. It doesn't mean

LPC: you're going to give it to me. Well, I'm not guilty, am I?

Tony: Guilty of what? What the fuck are you talking about? There's been some thefts in the area. We just want

LPC: to exclude you so we need your saliva sample, period. That's it. Bob's your uncle. Well, first of all,

Tony: we don't steal. Second of all, there's no need for us to steal because we probably own more than you do.

Tony: So you can suck my dick, lick my left.

Tony: nut and suck my asshole, bro.

LPC: Look, why don’t you just be profession’? [delay]—

Tony: —You can’t ask for a saliva fuckin’ sample! Who the fuck are you to ask for anything?!

LPC: I’m new to the area, here, tough guy! [delay]

Arthur: Hello?

LPC: Hey, Arthur.

Arthur: Yeah.

LPC: Hey, it's Jackie Broadband.

LPC: I'm just new to the area here.

LPC: My neighbor and I have been having some stuff go missing.

LPC: There's been some theft in the area.

LPC: So I just wanted to stop by and get a saliva sample from you just so we can

LPC: to exclude you from the investigation, okay?

Arthur: Who are you?

LPC: Jackie Broadband here.

Arthur: So what does that mean?

LPC: That's my name.

Arthur: Yeah.

LPC: There's been some theft, real serious stuff.

LPC: Theft.

Arthur: Yeah.

Arthur: I have no idea you all see you not doing nothing with me.

LPC: We just need your saliva. That's it.

LPC: Just takes a minute of your time.

Arthur: I don't really care what you need.

LPC: Hey, I know a lip reader.

LPC: He said he saw you talking about this.

LPC: So you're going to say he's a liar?

Arthur: Yeah.

Arthur: Lose my fucking number.

Arthur: How's that?

Arthur: You understand English?

LPC: Why don't you just let us swab you and get it over with?

LPC: We just want to exclude you.

Arthur: —Why don’t you lose my fuckin’ number before I call the police on ya?! Yeah, you do that!—

LPC: Are you saying the lip reader's a liar?

LPC: What are you saying?

Arthur: I’m sayin’ you’re a fuckin’ asshole!

LPC: You sound guilty to me. [sfx]

Arthur: You sound like your mother's a fucking saggot.

Arthur: Is she?

LPC: Listen, just give us your saliva and we'll call it good.

LPC: Bob's your uncle.

LPC: End the story.

LPC: Okay.

Arthur: Okay.

Arthur: Listen.

Arthur: You listening?

LPC: Yeah.

Arthur: You’re a fuckin’ f*ggot!—

Arthur: I hate faggots.

Arthur: You need to be shot.

Arthur: You have no life.

Arthur: Fuck off.

Arthur: We're done.

Arthur: And lose my number.

Joe: Hello.

LPC: Hey, Joe.

Joe: Yes.

LPC: Hey, this is Guido, Frisbee.

LPC: How are you doing?

Joe: I still don't know who you are.

Joe: Why don't you explain me?

Joe: Who you're working for?

Joe: Why are you calling me?

LPC: Oh, yeah.

LPC: My name's Guido.

LPC: I just live down the street from you, and I was going to stop by and fix up your yard.

LPC: trim the grass and pull the weeds and everything.

LPC: Uh, I do that for you and you just give me $75 and we’re done, okay?

Joe: I don't want to give you $0.75. I have a guard now. What's wrong with you?

LPC: I’ll be there—

Joe: —I don’t know you and I don’t hire anybody. I have people to work for me!

LPC: I’m gonna do the best job ever on your grass, okay?—

Joe: —Did I tell you to do it?! You lay off before I call the police on you!

LPC: $100, we’re done, okay?

Joe: What is this?

Man (4): Why?

Man (4): There's cold in here.

Joe: Huh?

Man (4): It’s freezing in this room!

Man (4): If you walk out here, it's like 10 degrees warm.

Joe: You walk in there.

Joe: What can I do?

Man (4): You should put a portable heater in here.

Joe: Hello?

LPC: Hey, Joe.

LPC: I'm going to bring you a portable heater, okay?

Joe: Let me explain you, you're your son of a bitch.

Joe: I have a soldier that came here, my grandson, and he's going to shoot you to pieces.

Joe: To pieces, you're going to shoot you, son of a bitch.

LPC: What’s the problem?

Man (4): Hello?

LPC: Hi, what's going on?

LPC: This is Guido?

Man (4): Who the fuck are you?

LPC: Oh, I'm new in the neighborhood here.

LPC: I got a heater for Joe.

LPC: Just a hundred bucks.

LPC: That's all I need.

LPC: It's a good heater.

Man (4): —Dude, you come over, I swear to god, I will fucking blow your nuts off!

LPC: You need a heater?

LPC: I have one for sale.

LPC: It's $100.

LPC: It puts out so much heat you won't believe it.

Man (4): —Okay, yeah! Come with a heater and see what I’ll fucking do to you, piece of shit!—

LPC: You want to test it out?

Man (4): —I’m a fucking veteran; trust me, I have no problem killing you!—

Man (4): —And I will fucking kill you and your entire fucking family!

LPC: Hey, forget the heater.

LPC: Why don't it just lower the temperature, right the freak back down?

LPC: You feel me?