Bob: Hello?

LPC: Hi, Bob, please.

Bob: Speaking.

LPC: Yes, this is Humphrey.

LPC: I'm calling from downtown digital destruction.

LPC: How are you today, sir?

Bob: Downtown digital destruction.

LPC: Yeah, we do data destruction.

Bob: Yeah.

LPC: We've been up and down the block.

LPC: We've got several people on our route, and we'd love to work with you guys.

LPC: shredding.

Bob: I think we do have a shredder that's doing it, but...

LPC: Well, you know, earlier in the week we were there, you were out at the time,

LPC: but we picked up some documents from your office and destroyed those,

LPC: so we'd love to come and show you what we've done.

LPC: They weren't important or anything.

Bob: Well, you're talking to the wrong guy, even though it's my firm.

Bob: You're going to talk to either...

Bob: Michael, who's my administrator, or you call Sharon.

LPC: —Well Sharon told me to talk to you, so [exhales]

Bob: Well, sir, I'm telling you that I don't know the answer.

Bob: I don't get competitive bids.

Bob: I don't get into that.

LPC: We ordered to destroy it a lot of your stuff, and we wanted to just present it to you.

LPC: We also have reconstructive services.

LPC: We can actually reconstruct destroyed documents.

LPC: That's running you just a total of nine.

LPC: $90 per hour.

LPC: It's forensic level stuff we're doing here.

Bob: Sir, I’m not questioning your capabilities—

Bob: —I’m telling you that I am not able to make a decision without knowing what we’re paying now—

Bob: —and what you’re offering to pay and things of that sort. So—

LPC: Well, we'll destroy 50 pounds of stuff, no charge.

LPC: It's a coupon that we've got.

LPC: My name's Humphrey.

LPC: I'm the owner of the company.

Bob: All right.

Bob: I've told you three times already.

Bob: You can keep telling me how good you are.

Bob: Yeah.

Bob: But it's a waste of your time and mine.

Bob: If you want to call Sharon in my office next week, when did you, when did you, when were you?

LPC: I've already spoken to her.

LPC: We took a bunch of documents from your office, destroyed them, and we're just going to come show you how good a job we did.

LPC: It's real quick.

LPC: You're going to love what you see.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: Real good stuff.

LPC: And we've got a coupon, like I said.

LPC: So you're going to save a lot of money.

LPC: You can appreciate that, can't you?

Bob: —Okay. No, I can’t, because I can’t seem to get through to you, sir—

LPC: Oh, what's that now?

Bob: That I am not in a position to make that decision, certainly not now on a Saturday afternoon.

Bob: Now, you can do one of two things.

LPC: —What’s that now?—

Bob: You can try to, pardon me?

LPC: What's that we can do?

LPC: What are my choices here?

Bob: Your choices are hang up, number one, and never call me again.

LPC: Never call me.

Bob: —or make an appointment—yeah—or make an appointment; make an appointment to see Sharon and show her what you’ve done. And—

LPC: —We’ve destroyed everything in sight, is what we’ve done, and it’s dynamite!—

Bob: I'm done. I'm not talking to you.

LPC: I'm going to be there in five minutes, okay?

Bob: Hello?

LPC: Yes, Bob.

LPC: This is Helmut calling.

Bob: Hal Nuke.

LPC: Hellmoot, H-E-L-M-U-T.

Bob: Oh, hell.

Bob: I just got a harassing call from somebody, and I don't know.

Bob: and had to do with destroying documents, and his name was very similar to yours.

Bob: Anyway, go ahead.

Bob: I'm sorry.

LPC: Okay! So we’re just gonna come by, uh, to your residence in the next 15, 20 minutes and give ya a brief presentation, okay? On our destructive and our reconstructive services that we offer—

Bob: Oh, no.

Bob: You are the same guy to start you, you're right?

LPC: Oh, yes.

LPC: So whatever we can do for you?

Bob: You want me to call the police?

LPC: Well, you want me to get rough guy?

LPC: I tried to offer you a discount.

Bob: fair and square sir you are you are I am not interested in doing business with you do

LPC: not call me again I'm going to shove you around if I have to how does that sound

Bob: you you shum me around okay you show me around you you sound like a crazy man right now

Bob: all right so I don't want to have anything to do with you you understand what do you want

Bob: for me here I'm a business I want you to never call me again I'm a business man I'm a

Bob: business man you follow I don't care you sound like you sound like you sound like you sound

Bob: like you belong someplace else, all right?

Bob: Do not call me again.

LPC: I'll perform Taekwondo on you, on your lips.

Bob: Yeah, thank.

Bob: You sound like a nutcase and don't call me again.

LPC: I'm going to destroy everything I see.

Bob: Hello?

LPC: Yes, Bob.

Bob: Yes.

LPC: Hi, this is Humphrey.

LPC: I work at downtown digital destruction.

LPC: We do all the data.

LPC: up and down the block here, all in throughout the county.

LPC: I'm going to see you.

Bob: Yeah, I got your call before.

Bob: Yeah, I got your call.

Bob: Yeah, come on over.

Bob: Don't let anybody bother if the police are outside.

Bob: Don't let that body.

LPC: Yeah.

Bob: Don't let the FBI bother you either, okay?

LPC: —Don’t let the door hit ya in the backside.

Bob: Yeah, I understand, Humphrey.

Bob: You called me once before, and I think we had the same discussion.

LPC: I'm going to meet you at 9 a.m., and we're going to demonstrate what we do when we destroy your data.

LPC: —You can appreciate that, can’t ye?

Bob: I appreciate you more than you think.

LPC: Okay, sounds good.

LPC: We also do restoration, so we can put back together any documents that you've mistakenly destroyed or shred it.

Bob: Didn’t you tell me last time that you’d already been to my office destroying some data, Humphrey?—

LPC: Yes, I did.

Bob: Yeah. You’re a lying sonofabitch.

LPC: Hey, how about I come up there and shove you around a little bit?

Bob: Well, why don't you, why don't you, why don't you do that, Humphrey?

Bob: And I'll be there for you, you're waiting.

Bob: Stop, there's going to be a car.

Bob: It's not a problem, Humphrey.

Bob: You just come on over and beat the hell out of me and whatever else you want to do.

LPC: —[siren] It’s gonna be a big problem for your lips once I connect with you!—

Bob: —Alright, I understand that, Humphrey. But—but, you know, guys like you need to be put away in a special place. Special place!—

LPC: —I’m a businessman; I’m a patriot and I’m a businessman—

Bob: No, you're not. You're a crook, scam, fraud guy. That's what you are.

Bob: You're a real weird guy. You must have some psychiatric problems as well, Humphrey.

LPC: I'm going to come in. I'm going to make up.

LPC: presentation. You're going to love what you see. End the story.

Bob: I told you. I told you Humphrey to come on over. What more do I got to say?

LPC: Just make a small deposit and then we’ll put ya on retainer—

Bob: Oh, yeah. Listen, tell me how much you want. You want 5,000, 10,000. How much you want, Humphrey?

LPC: Six months is $970 for six months of service. Oh, six months is $970.

LPC: —24 hours a day we’ll come out—seven days a week! We’re the best!—

Bob: Humphrey, that's a felony. What you?

Bob: you're doing as a felony. We're the best.

Bob: And I think, not only is it a felony, Humphrey, but I think that you crossed interstate lines,

Bob: and I think you'll end up at a federal prison. How's that? A prison?

Bob: Yeah, right. They're coming to get you, right? Yeah. In fact, I'm going to call somebody right now

Bob: and trace your number and report you to the feds because this is the second time you bothered me,

Bob: Humphrey.

LPC: You're bananas.

LPC: You hear me?

LPC: Fell in a banana.

Bob: And you're a fruitcake.

Bob: How's that sound?

Bob: I'm bananas and you're a fruitcake.

LPC: I'm a patriot and I'm a businessman.

Bob: No, you're not.

Bob: You're a scumbag is what you are.

Bob: Humphrey.

Bob: And you need to be put away someplace where there's a big lock and key.

Bob: That's what they need to do with you.

LPC: Who’s talkin’ in the background here?—

Bob: So you know what, Humphrey, you bothered me enough for me to take some action.

Bob: Okay.

Bob: You bothered me.

Bob: enough for me to stop guys like you from bug and people.

Bob: Just beware.

Bob: I'm free, okay?

Bob: Because you're a scumbag and a fraud and a sick guy.

Bob: Okay?

Bob: Other than that, you're a fruitcake.

Bob: So pick the choice.

Bob: Are you a fruitcake, a scumbag, a fraud, a scam, or a con man?

Bob: Which one do you think fits you the best?

LPC: I'm going to kick in the kneecap.

LPC: That's what I'm going to do tomorrow.

Bob: Yeah, you kick me in the kneecap.

Bob: Yeah, come on right over and kick me in the kneecap.

Bob: Okay.

LPC: 9 a.m.

LPC: Forget the presentation.

LPC: I'm going to take you down to the ground is what I'm going to do.

LPC: Take you down.

Bob: Yeah, you do that, and that's just, you just threaten me for another felony.

Bob: So you've got a couple felonies lined up, okay?

Bob: You threatened me, and you've also scammed me.

Bob: So that ought to put you in state prison, Jackson, or someplace like that for about 15 years.

Bob: Okay?

Bob: So you just keep threatening me, scumbag, and I will pursue you until you.

Bob: You are put away.

LPC: Just make it the deposit, and we'll put you on a retainer, end a story.

Bob: Oh, no, no, I'll make a deposit on your neck, okay?

Bob: And make sure that you're put away someplace where you belong.

LPC: I'm going to take a block of wood to your chin bone.

LPC: See what you say then, guy.

Bob: Okay, well, that's, hey, that sounds good.

Bob: Yeah, fuck off.

Bob: Yeah, right.

Bob: Well, listen, you just take your data and stick it up your rear.

Bob: How's that sound?

Bob: Does that sound okay to you?

Bob: Stick your data up your rear?

Bob: —And—and maybe you oughta destroy the data up your rear!

LPC: My ear?

Bob: Because I enjoy talking to you up, because you're a sick man, besides being a crook and a skump bag.

Bob: Okay?

LPC: I’m a businessman—

LPC: —and I’m trying to do you a favor!—

Bob: You're a scumbag.

Bob: You're a scumbag and a fraud and a fruit cake.

Bob: And one of the worst people that I've had a chance to talk to.

LPC: You're nuts.

LPC: You're bananas.

Bob: Yeah, I'm not, yeah.

Bob: Well, Humphrey, I'm going to trace you down now.

Bob: I'm going to file a complaint with the FBI because you're using interstate commerce,

Bob: and I'm going to have them trace you down.

Bob: Okay, Humphrey, we'll see who ends up battering who and who ends up in jail.

Bob: You will be out of commission, okay?

LPC: Oh, well, prevail.

LPC: No doubt in my mind.

Bob: Oh, yeah, you'll prevail.

Bob: You sound like you're off the wall anyway.

Bob: Yeah, I'm going to precipitate.

Bob: your demise, I'm free.

Bob: You have just crossed the line.

Bob: This is the second time you bug me, and you have crossed the line.

Bob: So you want to find out whether I'm serious or not, you'll find out very soon.

Bob: Because I'm not taking this crap from some scumbag like you anymore.

Bob: Anymore.

LPC: Hey, check me out.

LPC: Check me out, buddy.

Bob: I'm not going to just check you out.

Bob: I'm going to file a federal complaint against you.

Bob: That's what I'm going to do.

Bob: I'm going to call the FBI, and I'm going to do.

Bob: tell them you threaten me on the phone, both physically and otherwise, and you have a scam

Bob: operating in that you are crossing state lines, and you violated various federal statutes.

Bob: Okay, that's what I'm going to tell them.

LPC: Don’t do that.

Bob: Yeah.

Bob: Whenever they find you and put you away, I'm going to ask them to tell me where you're locked up,

Bob: and you know what, Humphrey, I'm going to come and visit you in jail.

Bob: That's what I'm going to do.

Bob: So then you can sell me some data from the jailhouse, and I'll be an excellent witness for the prosecution against a scumbag like you.

Bob: So you just wait for the door to knock, okay?

Bob: And when the door knocks, you're going to know who called.

Bob: Okay, Humphrey?

LPC: Don’t do that.

Bob: No, why not?

Bob: You're a scumbag.

Bob: You're a fraud and a crook and a felon.

Bob: You're a felon.

Bob: You've already committed two felonies, okay?

Bob: That'll be it for you, Humphrey.

Bob: Whatever your damn name is.

LPC: Humphrey Bump.

Bob: —We’ll find out what your name is—

LPC: Humphrey Bump.

LPC: —I’ve been in business for nine years!

Bob: No, you're out of business.

Bob: This was the end.

Bob: You will be out of business very shortly.

LPC: Oh, yeah?

Bob: Okay.

Bob: That'll be a problem for your family if you have one.

Bob: But I doubt if you have a family because I think they would have committed you by now.

Bob: So you probably don't have a family.

Bob: But that's okay, Humphrey.

Bob: Not everybody gets to have a family.

Bob: And not everybody gets to stay up.

Bob: out of jail.

Bob: So.

LPC: —You’re bananas!

Bob: For Humphrey, this will be the worst call you've ever made.

Bob: Okay?

Bob: You picked the wrong guy to screw around me.

Bob: The wrong guy.

LPC: Oh, have I?

Bob: Oh, yeah.

Bob: Yeah, you have, Humphrey.

LPC: —Whadda you mean there?—

Bob: I'm going to call you 1-2771.

Bob: That's your new number in jail.

Bob: 1-2-7-7-1.

Bob: Write that down because that's going to be your new number.

Bob: 1-2-7-7-7-1.

LPC: Guy, I’m no nonsense! Period, end ‘o sentence!