Man(1): Hello?

LPC: Hi! Ned Strange with United Parcel Service. I been tryin’—

Man(1): Yeah, how's you going?

LPC: Good. We’ve been tryin’ to get through on a parcel delivery that no one answered the buzzer last couple times. Just looking for assurances—

LPC: Just looking for assurances that you'll be there this evening when we re-attempt delivery.

LPC: Parcel is from Shick Corporation, Connecticut.

Man(1): Shick. Gotcha.

LPC: Yeah, $34.32. C.O.D.

Man(1): Okay.

LPC: About 18-pound parcel.

LPC: So if you have a dolly or something of that nature, that would be helpful as well.

LPC: Or we can just leave it in a safe place if you want to do payment by phone.

Man(1): Um, okay.

Man(1): When would you guys be able to reattempt delivery?

LPC: Uh, could I transfer you to my driver and you can maybe work that out with him?

Man(1): Yeah, that’s fine.

LPC: Alex is the driver.

LPC: One moment, sir.

LPC: Just a second.

Alex: Hello?

Man(1): Hello?

Alex: Yes?

Man(1): Um. Yeah, I was just transferred over, uh, to see when you guys were gonna be able to reattempt delivery.

Alex: I'm sorry, to see what?

Alex: Say it again?

Man(1): Yeah, someone, uh, was it, Ned transferring me over?

Man(1): To see when you guys were going to re-attempt delivery?

Man(1): To, uh, Shick corporation.

Alex Trebek: No, you got the wrong number.

Alex: Somebody's screwing with the phones.

Alex: They do this all the time.

Alex: They cross-connect people who don't know anything about each other.

Alex: And they just mess with us.

Alex: So you'll have to bear with it.

Alex: They'll probably try again once or twice and just hang up on them.

Man(1): Gotcha.

LPC: Hello, sir.

LPC: Do we work that out, or?

Man(2): Hello?

LPC: Yes, this is Winchell with United Parcel Service.

LPC: How are we today, sir?

Man(2): Fine.

LPC: Oh, good.

LPC: Well, we've been out there three times and no one answered the buzzer when our driver was there.

LPC: Any particular reason?

LPC: No one was there for your delivery on your COD item?

Man(2): COD?

Man(2): What are you talking about, sir?

LPC: It's from pull-ups.com, and we've got a parcel, COD, $86.81.

LPC: We've been trying to deliver for the past seven days.

Man(2): I don't buy pull-ups, sir.

LPC: Well, it's none of my concern what you do, where you order from.

LPC: I'm just trying to get your parcel to you.

LPC: Do you know, Wendell, our driver?

Man(2): No?

LPC: Okay, because we're sending them back out there one more time.

LPC: If no one's available, we'll just be returning the item at that juncture.

LPC: So, what is the best time to be there tonight?

LPC: Hmm?

Man(2): I'm not going to tell you a time unless you tell me, like, who it's for...

LPC: Pardon me, sir?

LPC: I mean, this is our fourth attempt.

LPC: Can you appreciate what that means?

Man(2): I appreciate what that means.

Man(2): I think that I should be informed as to who the...

Man(2): this is delivering for if you know my name, if you know who ordered this and, you know,

Man(2): the address, because that would be helpful.

LPC: Oh, you place the order.

LPC: There's no doubt in my mind about that.

LPC: And it's $88.68.

LPC: I'm on the dock, sir.

LPC: I'm here on my day off, trying to get these packages where they belong.

Man(2): I’m sorry, I’m gonna need more information, ‘cause I don’t know what you’re talking about, exactly.

LPC: Okay, pull-ups.

LPC: some kind of garment, 8668, as do cash check.

LPC: We can take a credit card now and you can tell us where to leave the item.

LPC: It's a big, big box.

Man(3): Hello.

LPC: Hi, yes.

LPC: This is Samson with UPS calling more need of a credit card for your order, sir.

Man(3): We did not order anything.

LPC: You did not order anything.

Man(3): And here's the thing, fucker.

Man(3): If you call again, I'm going to call again.

Man(3): call the cops on you for scamming people.

LPC: Well we’re on our way out there with your box, uh—uh, this evening, here!—

Man(3): Oh, well, what's the address?

Man(3): What's the address, Charlie?

LPC: We're at 535 Lincoln Avenue, suite 3,600.

LPC: And my name's Samson with UPS.com.

Man(3): Cool! But we did not order from there—

LPC: No, your order is from pullups.com.

LPC: Okay.

Man(3): Yeah, but we did not, I'm telling you, we didn't.

Man(3): Not going to them!

LPC: We just need a payment, right, for $86.78.

LPC: Okay.

Man(3): No, we're saying, better, stop a, stop at the...

LPC: Pardon me, sir?

Man(4): Hello?

LPC: Hello! This is Elmer. I’m a supervisor at UPS.com. Uh—

LPC: —what appears to be the trouble up here, sir?

Man(6): Ah!

Man(6): Okay, great.

Man(6): I'm a supervisor.

LPC: Oh.

Man(6): Fuck, dude.

Man(6): What the fuck?

Man(6): Stop fucking calling me now.

LPC: Oh, sir, I'm Elmer Blip.

LPC: I'm a manager at EPS.

Man(6): I get off what you are, dude.

Man(6): Fuck you.

Man(6): Stop fucking call him.

LPC: —We’ve got a COD for ya on our truck, okay? [delay]

Man(6): Fuck you.

LPC: Spencer?

LPC: Spencer.

Spencer: Yes.

LPC: This is Dugan with UPS.

LPC: What appears to be the trouble up here, sir?

LPC: We've got a parcel for you.

LPC: We've been trying to deliver, no one answered the door.

LPC: You didn't order anything.

LPC: We've got a parcel here, your signature on it right here.

LPC: I just need to know the best time of day.

LPC: to bring it to you.

Spencer: I didn't order anything.

LPC: I can be there in 20 minutes, there, guy.

LPC: We'll be there in 15, 20 minutes.

LPC: You got that?

LPC: COD.

LPC: And I'd like to take care of today.

LPC: I don't want any problems with our driver

LPC: when he gets there.

LPC: Is that understood?

Spencer: You can drive it off somewhere else, isn't that one?

LPC: Somewhere else.

LPC: Not an option, sir.

LPC: This is your item COD.

LPC: $48.84.

Spencer: I didn't order a product.

LPC: 88-inch whip is what it says it is here.

LPC: Whip, sir.

LPC: Are you hard o’ hearing? Whip!—

Spencer: Quick call you.

Spencer: I know this is fake.

LPC: This is UPS, sir.

LPC: I'm in the corporate tower of UPS here.

LPC: All right?

LPC: And I don't want any fiddled in around when our driver comes back.

Spencer: —Well earlier, you said “United Postal Service”. So I—

LPC: No, I didn't.

LPC: You're mistaken.

Spencer: Oh, you're mistaken.

LPC: Who knows where I work?

LPC: Me or you?

Spencer: Look, I'm about to report this number.

LPC: —Well, sir, I’m from United Parcel Service—

LPC: We've got a delivery to make here.

LPC: We need you to cut a check to our driver.

LPC: $48.84.

Spencer: You'll cut a check to you forever.

Spencer: It'll be from the company in which you got ordered for.

LPC: Whip World.

LPC: You ordered your whip?

LPC: We're trying to deliver it.

LPC: This is our fourth attempt, sir.

Spencer: Hold on to it because I didn't order anything.

Spencer: I'm telling you.

LPC: We've been holding on to it for a week because you didn't answer your door.

Spencer: Well, like I haven't gotten their receipt.

Spencer: a letter saying that's come pick it up.

LPC: Oh, we sent you an email.

LPC: We left you a voicemail.

Spencer: Oh, well, that's the funny thing you need.

Spencer: I keep, look.

Spencer: I keep checking my email and voice mail because I have a job that you use an email address.

LPC: You’ve got a COD delivery!—

Spencer: Put the fuck up and quit calling me.

Spencer: I'm about to report this number to the police.

LPC: —I’m about to call the police on you for threatening a UPS representative.

Spencer: I didn’t threaten you.

LPC: Now, how you going like that?

LPC: How are you going like that?

Spencer: Quit calling me.

LPC: You got a whip.

LPC: We're talking.

LPC: trying to deliver. I'd like it done today.

Spencer: I don't get that with me. What? What's the fuck out of you with it?

Spencer: Quit calling me.

LPC: I got a stick I’ll bring up there.

Woman(2): Hello?

LPC: Yes. This is Fabio with UPS.

LPC: Our driver's been out there four times recently and no one answered.

Woman(2): For what?

LPC: —ah, his call for a COD delivery.

Woman(2): For a what?

LPC: —Uh, we’ve been tryin ta make a COD delivery. That means “cash on delivery”—

LPC: It means cash on delivery.

Woman(2): What is the package?

LPC: Says contents are Sequoian pellets.

Woman(2): Yeah, I don’t know what that is—

LPC: I hear that all the time.

Woman(2): Leave me back alone.

Woman(2): Hello?

LPC: Hi, yes.

LPC: Miss Lady Liberty?

Woman(2): No, fuck off and die.

LPC: This is Fabio with UPS.

LPC: I've got your pellets for delivery.

Woman(2): Don't call me again.

LPC: Get away.

Woman(2): I don't want to be fucking woken up.

Woman(2): Leave me to fuck alone.

Woman(2): How fucking stupid are you?

Woman(2): Do not fucking call me.

LPC: Hey, hey.

LPC: This is UPS.com.

LPC: I'm looking from it.

Woman(2): No, it's not.

Woman(2): Fuck off.

Woman(2): You have the wrong number.

LPC: Sequoian pellets.

LPC: You're going to love what you see.

Woman(2): You call me four times today.

Woman(2): Leave me alone.

LPC: Our driver’s on his way back there, ma’am!—

Woman(2): I want all these fucking cops.

Woman(2): Stop harassing me.

Woman(2): Leave me the fuck alone.

Pat: Leave me alone.

LPC: Oh, can I talk to Pat, please?

Pat: What part of “leave me alone” don’t you understand?—

LPC: This is Max with UPS, ma'am.

LPC: I'm trying to reach Pat about your packets.

Pat: Oh, okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Pat: I'm sorry.

Pat: I've had so many scam calls.

Pat: All right, what about you?

LPC: A spam call?

LPC: No, no, no, no.

LPC: United Parcel Service, ma'am.

Pat: I know, I know, now.

LPC: Now we've been out there three times in the past 10 days.

LPC: as our driver says, and no one answered the door.

Pat: Well, he didn't knock very hard then, and why did you need...

Pat: Usually, they just leave it on the porch.

LPC: Well, this is a COD order, $76.81.

Pat: For what?

LPC: It’s from The Fungal Brothers. “Feed ’n Seed”, it says.

Pat: Nope! Nope! That’s not me!

LPC: 28 pounds, Feed and Seed Fungle Brothers.

LPC: Yes, ma'am.

Pat: Nope, nope, nope, no.

Pat: No, it's not for me.

LPC: I’m lookin’ at your signature and the—we’ve already been out there three times, ma’am! [piano note]

LPC: Now, what's the best time to come back up, bear?

Pat: That's 5 o'clock tonight.

LPC: We'll be there at 10 o'clock tonight.

LPC: All right?

LPC: Is that all right with you?

Pat: —10 o’—? No! no! Not no 10 o’clock at night!

LPC: No, no, no, no, no.

LPC: Man, can you appreciate what we've done for you?

LPC: We've been out there three times in the past 10 days with your bag of seed here.

Pat: But I did not.

Pat: I've ordered nothing.

LPC: You did not order anything?

Pat: No, I did not.

LPC: Well, I've got the address, and I'm looking at your signature right here.

LPC: I'm MaxMillion, okay, from United Parcel Service.

LPC: Have you got a check prepared for our driver, please?

Pat: No, I do not.

LPC: You do not.

LPC: Well, how long's it going to take to get the $86 prepared up?

Pat: Well, I'm sorry.

Pat: you know, $86.

LPC: I can take a credit card over the phone and leave the bag in a safe place.

LPC: That's no problem at all.

Pat: Good for you, but no.

Pat: Thank you.

LPC: —“No”? Just read the credit card number slowly. [birds]

Maria: Hello?

LPC: Yes, Mr. Turnkey, please?

Maria: He's busy right now.

Maria: Who's calling?

LPC: Uh, this is, uh, Doc with United Parcel Service.

Maria: Yeah, and what is it about?

LPC: It's about his seat.

LPC: DoD parcel, ma'am?

Maria: Mhm. Well, I’m his wife, so what can I help you with?

LPC: Oh, okay.

LPC: I see.

LPC: Yeah.

LPC: So, yeah.

Maria: —He has a parcel that’s cash on delivery?

LPC: Yes, ma'am.

LPC: Uh-huh.

Maria: And who's it from?

LPC: From Batista, Morocco.

LPC: It says on the label.

Maria: Yeah, well, I don't know who that is, so don't deliver it because we're not going to pay for it.

LPC: Well our truck’s already on the way ma’am.

LPC: —And he’s been out there twice but no one answered the door of all things, huh? [sfx] [slowed]

Maria: Alright! I’ll listen for the door again. I—

LPC: Okay, have you got a check. I never leave the house.

Maria: I'm not going to pay for anything until I see what it is. Thank you.

LPC: $541 dollars, dollars, dollars, dollars.

Maria: Hello?

LPC: Yes, Maria.

Maria: Yes.

LPC: Doc from United Parcel Service. Now, just tryin’ to find—er out what the problem is up ‘ere. [exhales]

Maria: Yeah, okay, look, I’ve never had a b—a phone call from United—from UPS—

LPC: Yeah.

Maria: something to deliver, knock on the door, and please don't call me back again.

LPC: We've been out there three times. No one answered the buzzer all bar.

LPC: How do you go figure that? What would you like us to do?

Maria: Excuse me, will you please hang up the phone? What do I have to do to disconnect your number? I said—

LPC: —W—can I get a credit card number? We can leave it in a safe place! That’s okay—

Maria: —on the phone. There’s no credit card number on the phone. I don’t know who you are.

LPC: I'm dock.

LPC: with UPS.com. Okay, and I don't, I don't believe you. No. So, no. I've worked here for 11 months,

Maria: miss. Yeah, well, good for you. It sounds like a scam to me. I don't give out my, my credit card,

Maria: and I don't write checks to people I don't know. If someone shows up at my door and they have a plausible

LPC: whatever order, then we're looking. These are like 75 pounds of beans taking up a lot of space in our

LPC: truck that you ordered.

Maria: Well, look.

Maria: —We did not order beans! [laughs]

LPC: I’ve got your signature right here, ma’am.

LPC: Just cut a check, and then we'll drop it off in a safe place.

LPC: Hello?

LPC: I'm a manager.

Maria: No, I'm not interested.

Maria: Hello?

LPC: Terry, please.

Maria: Who's calling?

LPC: This is Doc from UPS calling.

Maria: —What’s the problem here?

Maria: Hello?

Howard: Hello?

Howard: Hello, ma'am.

Howard: Hi, this is Carl from UPS.

Howard: So I'll be assisting you're really concerned about your package, ma'am.

Maria: Look, if you have a UPS delivery, deliver it to my house.

Howard: Yeah. Okay.

Howard: Do you have, like, a tracking number for this item, ma'am, for me to raise this?

Maria: I don’t have—I haven’t ordered anything through UPS, so…

Howard: Oh, okay!—

Maria: All right? I don't know. Doc is calling me. I think it's a scam.

Maria: So please don't call me.

Howard: Yeah, that's my best cam, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, okay?

Howard: Thank you. Thank you.