Jules: Jules Freeman.

LPC: This is Mr. Freeman's.

LPC: This is Elmer.

Jules: Correct, sir.

LPC: Yes.

LPC: My name's Elmer Whip with United Parcel Service.

LPC: Our driver's been out to your place a couple times this past week

LPC: and no one answered the bell on a COD delivery.

Jules: Oh, COD?

Jules: Did you, who's it from?

LPC: You mind telling me what the issue has been up there, sir?

Jules: Well, uh, I’ve been here—

LPC: Mm-hmm.

Jules: I think you should talk to my wife.

Jules: She'll probably have more information.

LPC: Oh, I see, I see.

Mrs. F: Who is this?

LPC: Yeah, my name's Elmer.

Mrs. F: Who is this?

LPC: Yes, miss.

LPC: I'm Elmer Whip with United Parcel Service.

LPC: —UPS.com. Uh-huh! Uh-huh, yeah!

Mrs. F: Yeah.

LPC: And no one's to answer the buzzer when our driver has been out there.

Mrs. F: Yeah, well, I have to tell you, sweetheart, I have to tell you the wrong number.

LPC: No, this is for the Freemans.

LPC: Yes, I am aware of the number.

LPC: I've worked here for 18 weeks now.

LPC: I've been on the John.

LPC: months now.

LPC: Okay.

Mrs. F: 18 weeks.

Mrs. F: Wow, that's a lot.

LPC: Well, I—you know, I’m on my way up the ladder.

Mrs. F: We don't have anything COD.

LPC: —It’s, uh—I’ve got a lot of magnifying glasses here for Mr. Julius Freemans, okay?

Mrs. F: Well, that's not the correct name.

Mrs. F: So, therefore, I'm telling you this is a fictitious phone call.

Mrs. F: And you could try the next number on your list.

LPC: —Lemme just get a credit card number and then we’ll leave it in a safe place for ya, okay?—

Mrs. F: And you know, do you speak Italian?

Mrs. F: Do you speak Italian?

Mrs. F: Uh, what do you need?

Mrs. F: Hangbo, matzol.

Jules: Hello?

LPC: Yes, sir.

LPC: This is UPS.com calling.

LPC: How are we today?

Jules: We're fine.

Jules: How are you?

Jules: UPS.com?

LPC: I'm doing well, sir.

LPC: We just got a COD here.

LPC: Our driver was out there, and no one answered the buzzer.

LPC: We've got a carton of magnifying glasses.

Jules: Well, then send them back.

LPC: He'll be there within the hour.

LPC: He's got a couple stops ahead of you.

LPC: That's all.

Jules: Good.

Jules: Fine.

Jules: We will be waiting for him.

LPC: $433.18 is due on the shipment.

Jules: Thank you very much.

Jules: We will see your driver.

LPC: Have you got a check drawn, sir.

Jules: I will be very happy to give him a check when he comes to the door.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: I have a checkbook.

LPC: It's taking a lot of space on our truck.

LPC: What did you just say to me, sir?

Jules: Well, that's not my problem.

Jules: That's your problem.

Jules: Tell the shipper that he owes your money for taking up space in your truck.

LPC: Well, we've been out there three times and no one answered

LPC: the bell.

LPC: No one answered the bell.

Jules: So, Mr. Whip, it's Elmer Whip, correct?

LPC: Correct.

LPC: Yes, sir.

Jules: And you work for USPS?

LPC: No, I work for United Parcel Service.

Jules: United Parcel Service.

Jules: Well, I'm a stockholder.

LPC: Three months on the job.

Jules: So you work for me.

Jules: Three months.

Jules: Well, guess what, Elmer?

Jules: I'm very impressed.

Jules: Why don't you give me your

Jules: address and I will send you

Jules: an anniversary card

Jules: for being there for

Jules: 18 weeks.

LPC: Would you like to come to the dock and pick it up?

LPC: Or that's an option.

LPC: You know, whatever you'd like to be.

Jules: No, I would like to talk to your supervisor.

Jules: How about that,

Jules: Elmer Whip? Let me talk to your supervisor.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: Just a moment, sir.

Jules: Have him call me back.

LPC: I'm transferring you now. Just a

LPC: moment, sir.

Jules: And I'll be, and I will, listen,

Jules: Mr. Whip.

LPC: —I’m transferring you to my supervisor.

Jules: Recorded.

Alex: Hello.

Jules: And I am going to the police department

Jules: and filing a complaint.

Jules: Am I clear?

Alex Trebek: Hello?

Jules: Who is this?

Alex: I don't know.

Alex: Who are you calling?

Jules: I didn't call anybody.

Jules: You called me.

Alex: Oh, no...

Mrs. F: Hello?

LPC: Yes.

LPC: My name's Tripp.

LPC: I'm a manager of United Parsall.

LPC: service?

LPC: Yes.

LPC: I've been told by my

LPC: associate that you would like to make

LPC: an online payment for your COD.

LPC: That is no problem.

LPC: If you give me a routing number, we can accept

LPC: an online payment. No problem at all.

LPC: No problem at all.

Mrs. F: The routing number is

Mrs. F: one, two, three, four, fuck yourself.

Mrs. F: And the account number

Mrs. F: is up yours.

LPC: Ma'am, could you please be a professional?

LPC: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Jules: Jules Freeman.

LPC: Yes, my name's Flip Whitman.

LPC: I'm manager at UPS.com.

Jules: Oh, flip, great.

Jules: Hey, look, I'm on a long-distance phone call.

Jules: Can you give me your phone number, please?

Jules: And I'll call you right back.

LPC: Sure.

LPC: It's 1-800-pick UPS.

Jules: One-h-h-P-P-I-C-K?

LPC: UPS, yes, sir.

LPC: Apparently you had some trouble with our driver or with our representative?

Jules: No, I haven't had trouble with anybody.

Jules: I have received every single package from UPS that I've ordered from other people.

LPC: Well, we've got to clear.

LPC: of magnifying glasses here that you ordered that we're trying to deliver.

Jules: And who did they come from?

LPC: Inspector Central from Ho-Ho-Kus.

Jules: Good! Send it back to ‘em. I don’t want it. Okay?—

LPC: —“Send it back”? Sir, it’s a COD delivery.

Jules: What does COD mean?

LPC: That you owe $97.49 for your delivery.

Jules: No, sir.

LPC: Yes, sir.

Jules: COD means cash on delivery.

Jules: Exactly. Did you deliver it?

LPC: Well, we’ve been out there four times—

LPC: —and no one answered the buzzer, according to my notes, here—

Jules: Well, I guess what?

LPC: What’s that?—

Jules: —I don’t have a buzzer.

Jules: —I don’t have a buzzer!

LPC: Well, do you want to come pick it up?

LPC: That is an option.

LPC: That is no problem, no problem at all.

LPC: If you want to read a credit card, we'll leave it in a safe place.

Jules: —I’ll drive out to UPS in Pleasantville!

Jules: If you continue calling this number, I am going to call the U.S.C.C.

Jules: I am on my U.

Jules: my way to Pleasantville to the UPS store right now.

Jules: You got a problem?

Jules: Pay for it yourself.

Jules: I never ordered it.

LPC: Well, I can meet you up there.

LPC: Whatever it takes to get this resolved here for you.