Andrew: Hello?

LPC: Yeah, I’m lookin’ for Andrew.

Andrew: Who's calling?

LPC: This is Benson, your neighbor.

Andrew: Vincent?

LPC: Your new neighbor.

Andrew: Uh, where do you live?

LPC: Hey, listen, guy, I live adjacent to you, and there's a bunch of rope and belongings of mine that went missing,

LPC: and I need to talk to you a little bit about what's going on up here.

Andrew: All right.

Andrew: Tell me more.

LPC: Well, there was a big thing of sawdust covering up some rope.

LPC: Sawdust was gone.

LPC: the rope was gone.

LPC: Rope?

LPC: —[pitch-up] But I suppose you don’t know anything about that, huh?—

LPC: Sawdust was gone, the rope was gone.

Andrew: Thoughts was gone, rope is gone.

LPC: I had some pudding out there, too, that it was just made.

LPC: And I don't suppose you know anything about that either, do you?

LPC: That it was just made?

LPC: And I don't suppose you know anything about that either, do you?

LPC: I talked to my letter carrier about you.

LPC: He says he saw something matching your description all.

LPC: What you trying to do up are?

LPC: Letter carrier about you.

LPC: He says he saw someone matching your description, up 'ere.

LPC: What you trying to do, up are?

Mario: Oh, boy.

LPC: I'm looking for answers here today.

LPC: I'm looking for answers, and that's all I need.

LPC: I don't need a lot of your fiddle faddle here.

Andrew: Well, I'm using the rope.

Andrew: I'm going to put it back.

Andrew: I'll put the rope back someday, but not today.

LPC: Just like you found.

LPC: it, right? Hello?

Andrew: Just like I found it.

Alex: Huh? Hello?

Andrew: Just like I found it.

Alex: Found what?

Andrew: Just like I found it.

Alex: I don’t know what you’re talking about—

Alex Trebek: Who you talk to? Who is this?

Andrew: Are you there?

Alex: Yes.

Andrew: Hey, Alex?

Alex: Yes.

Andrew: How are you doing?

Alex: I’m okay. Who is this?

Andrew: This is Andrew.

Andrew: How's your evening?

Alex: Fine.

Andrew: Um, I, uh, uh, do you, do you know how we got here?

Alex: We got where?

Andrew: We’re on the phone. Together.

Alex: Yes.

Andrew: Um.

Alex: You called me?

Andrew: —That's—uh! [chuckles] Um, I’m not sure if I did, actually. My phone just rang.

Alex: Oh. Well, so did mine. So somebody’s screwing around with our phones; that happens quite often—

Andrew: I see.

Andrew: Yeah.

Chris: Yeah.

Alex: So don't let it bother you.

Alex: We haven't been able to trace it.

Alex: And, uh, it's just somebody having fun at our expense.

Alex: So have a good day.

Andrew: I understand.

Andrew: I hope you're doing well.

TTS: —Please leave your message for—

Alex Trebek: Thank you.

Alex: Thank you.

Alex Trebek: Uh, yes.

Willie: Uh, that, I won’t be able to help you with; I, uh, strictly concentrate on amplifiers.

LPC: Well, it’s got an amp in the guitar body, ya follow? It’s an old Sears Roebuck. [exhales]

Willie: Uh, actually, uh, the old Sears Roebuck guitar would have the amplifier in the case, not in the guitar.

LPC: No, it’s a red one. It’s got the little 10-inch speaker right on the body. It’s like an ES-335 shape. So it’s got a fat bottom-end of the body—

LPC: Okay. Well, it's got a fat bottom end of the body.

LPC: Okay. Well, uh, it's got a little 10-inch speaker right on the body.

Willie: Okay, well, be that as it may, I am not a luthier, and I cannot do a fret job.

Willie: I'm sorry, sir.

LPC: I got crackle coming out of the speaker in the body of the guitar, and it does have a speaker in the guitar.

LPC: Now, surely...

Willie: —Look, jerk! Find some-fucking-body else to waste their time. you dickhead!

Man(1): Mr. Bones.

LPC: Yeah, can I place an order here, please?

Man(1): Certainly! What can I get for ya?

LPC: Okay, do you have ribs?

Man(1): Yeah, we have ribs.

LPC: Okay. Now, what kind of ribs do you have up there?

LPC: Available for pickup.

LPC: For pickup.

Man(1): Pickup, we got a baby-back ribs, and we got spare ribs.

Man(1): They're both poor.

LPC: Can I get about 96—uh, the spare ribs, please? [delay]

Man(1): Oh, fuck off, man.

LPC: What?

Man(1): Dude, we're literally...

LPC: I need 96 spare ribs.

Man(1): Do you understand? It's fucking...

Man(1): Do you understand that every restaurant is fucking struggling to survive right now?

Man(1): I don't need to fucking...

Man(1): You to waste my time.

Man(1): 96 fucking orders of spare ribs, okay?

Man(1): I know you're trying to have fun, but fuck off.

Man(1): Seriously, fucking think about it, okay?

LPC: Touch my foot.

Man(1): We're just fucking swim in here.

Man(1): Mr. Bones?

LPC: Yeah, I need ribs.

Man(1): Uh-huh.

LPC: Can I pick?

Man(1): —D’you want 96 of ‘em still?

LPC: Yeah.

Man(1): Yeah.

Man(1): Uh-huh.

Man(1): Okay, I'll take down your credit card number right now, then, and we'll have that right for you.

Man(1): If you want to give me that.

LPC: I use cash.

Man(1): Do you use cash?

Man(1): Oh, hi.

Man(1): How convenient, yeah.

Man(1): —Why don’t you come in and prepay and then we’ll cook the 96 orders of ribs for ya?

LPC: Well, that's not really convenient for me.

LPC: I have some other items to order.

Man(1): That's not convenient for you.

Man(1): I'm so sorry.

Man(1): You know what's not convenient for me?

LPC: What?

Man(1): —Is you fuckin’ calling me on the fucking phone and wasting my fucking time when—

Man(1): a week at a fucking restaurant to pay $5 a fucking hour, you know, in the middle of a global

Man(1): pandemic, you piece of shit?

LPC: I got to eat, guy.

LPC: What do you think of that?

Man(1): Yeah! You wanna eat 96 fuckin’ pounds o’ ribs?! Yeah—

LPC: You want to leg wrestle?

LPC: Get together?

Man(1): Yeah, I'll fucking leg wrestle, please.

Man(1): Shut the fuck up.

Man(2): And we've got another caller.

Man(2): Looks like we've got laying on line, too.

Man(2): Good morning.

Man(2): How are you?

LPC: Good morning.

LPC: Hey, did Wagner Wang have a tussle on the monkey bars?

LPC: Just a bunch of conjecture from the belt.

Man(2): That's, yeah, we haven't talked about that much here.

Man(2): Today's topic again is school.

Man(2): Let's keep that on.

Man(2): track. We've mainly been pertaining to our local district.

LPC: Oh, okay. Well, did you hear that Rudy Giuliani tapped Bill Cosby that had up the campaign for

LPC: voter integrity?

Man(2): Yeah, that doesn't sound like it'll be all that fruitful. But, you know, while we're on the topic of

Man(2): schools, I didn't get to your town on the note here. Are you from here in Apple City? Did you go to Apple City

LPC: high? I'm from Jigs, Nevada. Born and weird. And I thought the

LPC: Tapp and Bill Klausby was a great idea.

LPC: Felicia Rischelette was a co-chair and the whole thing.

LPC: It's going to be a dynamite.

LPC: Oh, oh, wow, wow, wow, wow.

LPC: Oh, big time.

LPC: And then they got Lark Voorhees.

LPC: Tap.

LPC: They got her own tap.

LPC: So it's going to be a heck of a committee.

LPC: Things are going to really change in the Beltway, if you ask my opinion.

LPC: Oh, wow, wow, I just wanted you all thought of it.

LPC: I'm just a lay person.

LPC: You know, I wanted what the real.

LPC: Plymonds.

LPC: I thought of a little situation.

Man(2): Yeah, absolutely.

Man(2): Well, thank you so much for the call.

Man(2): And please, have a great morning out there wherever you are, huh?

Mario: Hello.

LPC: Yes, Mr. Mario.

LPC: This is Shaquille Frick with ASCAP, Performing Rights Organization.

LPC: How are we today, sir?

Mario: I'm closed.

Mario: I don't have any.

Mario: I'm only open to takeout.

Mario: I haven't had music since March 16th of 20.

LPC: 20. I'm actually calling about the third and fourth quarter of 2019.

LPC: We've got a small balance of 197 that we've just been trying to collect.

Mario: I was paid up to date in my books, so…

LPC: Not according to my records. We’ve gotten three letters back that we sent to ya. Okay?—

Mario: Yeah, I got the letters. And I called you three times and told you I've been closed to that, that, that, that, that, that.

Mario: And I was paid up to date. So, you know?

LPC: Hey, Mario, it's not just all jello, show.

LPC: shots and karaoke machines. Okay, there's a process in place for how this works.

LPC: You follow?

Mario: Because I call three times and explain this to you. I'm paid up to date with my bank records.

Mario: Two of you guys I pay every six months, and one of you is I pay annually.

Mario: And I did not have music, you know, so I'm not paid.

Mario: —So I’m not paying. When I re-open, I’ll let youse know and then we can start the licensing again.

LPC: Oh, we're not going to reopen at all, unless we're not going to reopen at all,

LPC: unless we get this back balance taking cover.

LPC: You're in arrears, sir. I don't know how many ways I'm supposed to put that.

Mario: Which company are you with? I want to know, because I'm going to check my back records,

Mario: and then I'm going to call you back.

LPC: Oh, you are? [delay] I’m at BMI and I work at ASCAP. I’m a Vice President.

LPC: Oh, you know. Congratulations. I've been on the job about 18 days, but yes.

Mario: —Well I’m gonna check my r—bank records and then you can call me back tomorrow; how’s that?—

LPC: Hey, Mario, I'm going to go online and check you out. See what kind of place?

LPC: you're running here, because this isn't how we operate. We've been in business for a hundred and forty-four years.

Mario: You're fucking putts. Hello?

LPC: Yes, this is Lamcoe, Latin American Music Corporation. Okay.

Mario: That's good that you called because I checked all my records, and actually you owe me money,

Mario: because I'm paid up on all of years, so tell you what, Lanco, go fuck yourself.

Mario: Hello?

LPC: This is Lamcoe. You played a song.

LPC: song called My Tostado from Ruben Herrero 14 times in November of 2019. Do you have a

Mario: balance of $344 with us? End a sentence. Listen, asshole. I know you're a bill collector,

Mario: and if you call me one more time, I'm going to find that where you are, and I'm going to pull your

LPC: rectum up to your fucking ears. Mario, can you be professional? Please, Lee, hello? Hi, yes. This is Mr.

LPC: Frick with CSAC, Society of European Stage Authors. How are you some nicer?

Mario: Listen, Mr. Prick, so far you've been for fucking C-Sac, BMI, and ASCAP. I pulled my bank records.

Mario: You all three of you actually owe me money. So fuck you, fuck Mr. Shaquil, and fuck the other

Mario: douchequehbag that call.

Mario: Hello?

LPC: —[sfx] Hi! This is Ramon from Sound Exchange phoning.

Mario: Sound exchange? Yeah.

LPC: And I know you've had some problems with our representative, so I just wanted to make sure we're in good shape here tonight.

LPC: I know you've had some problems with our representative.

LPC: And just give you a quick call. We wanted to give you a coupon for $20 off, okay, just so that we can bring your balance down.

Mario: Buddy, I know you're a collection agency. I don't owe them anything, Ramon, or Mr. Frick, or Shaquille, or whatever.

Mario: I am not paying them.

LPC: No, sir.

LPC: We want to give you a voucher so that you can play this song, O Tostado, by Ruben Herrero.

LPC: No charge, royalty-free.

LPC: 25 times...

Mario: Oh, Tostado.

Mario: Hey, why don't you take O Tostado and toast it up your asshole?

Jeff: What the fuck.

LPC: Hey, Jeff.

LPC: What's going on, man?

LPC: This is Tate.

LPC: How you doing?

Jeff: Who?

LPC: Tate.

LPC: T-A-T-E.

Jeff: Oh, fuck off, man.

Jeff: I'm in bed. I don't know. A bad damn cake.

Jeff: Lose this number, asshole.

Jeff: What the fuck do you want?

LPC: Hey, buddy.

Jeff: —you wanna walk down here and get a cap in your goddamn ass?!

LPC: I’m your new neighbor. I just need your help—

Jeff: —Yeah, fuck off! I don’t give a fuck! Why the fuck are you callin’ me?!

LPC: ‘Cause I need your help, big guy [delay]—

Jeff: —Fuck you! You want some help, bring your ass down here and I’ll fuckin’ put you in the goddamn ground!

Jeff: I'm going to grab...

Jeff: What the fucking call on me, dick, dick, Ed?

LPC: I'm going to grab hold.

LPC: Hold you your jaw and push you around.

LPC: What do you think of that?

LPC: What?

Jeff: You know.

Chris: Hello?

Alex: Hello.

Chris: Hello?

Alex: Yes.

Chris: This is Chris calling from Electric Works. To whom am I speaking?

Alex: You’re speaking to Alex. Who is this? Chris?

Chris: Yes.

Alex: You're calling from?

Chris: Um, I was called by you guys. I’m Electric Works.

Alex: No.

Alex: Somebody's screwing with the phones.

Alex: they, uh, there's, there's a prankster out there who does that, who puts calls into people,

Alex: and he has them call back all over the country.

Alex: Uh, just ignore it.

Alex: Okay.

Chris: All right.

Alex: Yeah.

Alex: Sorry about that. It's happened to me many times.

Chris: Oh my gosh. It must be so much fun for you.

Alex: Yeah. Well, so just ignore it and just hang up whenever it.

Alex: Usually he connects three people.

Alex: At the same time.

Chris: —Oh! Well don’t you wanna wait and find out who else he’s gonna connect?

Alex: No.

Alex: Thank you.

Chris: Oh, come on, Alex.

Chris: Stay on the phone.