Frank: Hello.

LPC: Hello, this is Schumacher. How ya doin’?

Frank: Yep, Frank Lopez in Alaska.

LPC: ’Kay.

Frank: I’m looking for a co-driver to share expenses with from Alaska to Colorado.

LPC: Good deal. I can accompany y’on your trek.

Frank: Okay, let me break down some information here.

Frank: What's your name?

LPC: Chaplain Schumacher.

Frank: Chaplain, Schumacher.

Frank: Are you a minister?

LPC: I'm just trucking up.

LPC: Rebar.

Frank: What is that?

LPC: Construction material.

Frank: Oh, okay.

Frank: Not everybody knows what rebar is.

Frank: So you’re driving your own rig, is that it?

LPC: You a big drinker, there?!

Frank: I’m not a drinker at all.

LPC: Okay.

Frank: What I'm trying to follow here is that you're going to be trucking rebar up here.

Frank: Does that mean you have your own rig?

Frank: Because I've got a Subaru station like you.

LPC: I'm 6'4.11.

LPC: A size 17 and a half sock.

Frank Lopez: Well, I'm 5'10, you know, so.

LPC: Oh, I'm going to stretch you out, Guy.

Frank: Excuse me?

LPC: Uh, so how much can I expect to make here? Monetarily.

Frank: You?

Frank: Making?

Frank: No, I'm not paying for a driver.

Frank: A driver is to go out of Alaska with me,

Frank: have their own money to stay at motels or whatever

Frank: and help share with gas.

LPC: I need a bus.

LPC: per diem at the very least.

Frank: I'm not looking to hire a driver because it's going to be expensive enough.

Frank: Read my ad again.

LPC: I’m drafrin’ an invoice right now to send to ya.

Frank: No, the whole point is to share expenses.

LPC: Listen, what kinda mileage you get on this thing?

Frank: On my Subaru?

Frank: 16 to 18.

LPC: What’s all that noise up ‘ere?

Frank: I don't know. The noise is on your end.

LPC: Okay, I got a

LPC: mechanic. He's going to come out there and take a look.

Frank: To have my car checked out? I’ve maintained this car. I’ve got every business record…

Frank: …everything that’s been done to this car.

Alex: Hello?

Frank: Okay, and I just had it move oil and filtered, and it'll get a tune-up, whether it needs it or not.

Frank: It's going to get a tune-up, another oil and filter change.

Alex Trebek: Hello?

Frank: Hello?

Alex Trebek: Yes.

Frank: I don't know who's good. I didn't dial anybody. We're getting all kinds of calls.

Alex: cross stuff. Yeah, me too. So, somebody's screwing with the phones. Okay, we'll just

LPC: have to deal with it. All right. So, we're going to get a mechanic out there and check it out.

Alex: You’re gonna get a mechanic from Anchorage to check out my car? And… you expect to be paid.

Frank: No, I'm not the mechanic, sir. No, but you expect to be paid.

LPC: Well hey! I got a good buddy o’ mine; he’s a certified Subaru mechanic. Is that okay, or…?

Frank: We're getting cross-referenced here on phone calls.

Frank: You must be getting calls coming in on you.

Alex: Yep.

Frank: Okay.

Alex: So nothing we can do about it.

Alex: I've talked to the phone company about it.

Alex: They can't do anything about it either.

Alex: Somebody's figured a way to cross-

Frank: No, I’m talk— I’m talking to somebody and, uh, you’re dialing in.

Alex: No, I'm in Alaska.

Frank: I'm in Alaska, and I'm talking to somebody in Colorado.

Alex: Well, I'm in California.

Alex: [laughs] So we’ll just have to bear with it.

Frank Lopez: Still there?

LPC: Well, hello.

Frank: You can ha—have your mechanic call me. But I can’t pay you. So you understand that?

LPC: Yes, sir.

Frank: Okay, that means I cannot pay anybody.

Frank: If you're willing to share expenses, I'll have your mechanic look at it.

LPC: Good deal, good deal.

Frank: We've got to stop this.

Alex: You just rang me again, guy.

Frank: I did not ring you.

LPC: Okay.

Frank: Okay, just have your mechanic.

Frank: Give me a call.

Frank: You got my number already listed on the ad.

LPC: And what's this about getting payment?

LPC: Have you got payment drafted?

Frank: I cannot pay you.

Frank: I'm looking for somebody to share expenses from Alaska to Colorado or anywhere in between.

LPC: How much money do you need?

Frank: Oh, we gotta end this.

LPC: How much do ya need?!

Frank: You should be ready for your own expenses as well.

Frank: I'm not driving all the way through.

Frank: I'm stopping at a motel at least two times.

Frank: It's three days through Canada.

Frank: So it's going to take a couple of motel rooms for you and for me.

Frank: And I don't know, sharing of gas, whatever the gas costs are.

Frank Lopez: I would say 500 bucks.

LPC: And then minus what you pay me, correct?

Frank: I'm not going to pay you anything.

Frank: I can't afford to pay anybody anything.

Frank: Don't call me again.

LPC: It’s $500—

Frank: It's not going to work out.

Frank: You have to have the cash in your pocket to share expenses and to have for your meals and so forth.

Frank: I am eating on shakes, meal replacement shakes.

Frank: So that's going to be my meals.

Frank: You know, I might have a meal every other day or something.

Frank: I don't get paid, and I'm not paying anybody.

LPC: How do I get the money to you?

Frank: No, no.

Frank: Just keeps getting interrupted.

LPC: It’s okay!

Frank: No, it's not okay.

Frank: Somebody else keeps interrupting.

Frank: Look, this is not going to work out, I said before, so let's forget it.

Frank: Don't call me again.